and so she speaks...

2009-06-21T17:02:00.000-07:00

I miss my pisangs.
I miss my girls.
I miss my guys.

And yet I need time to be alone. i just want to be alone.
i dont know why, dont ask me.

2009-06-18T01:52:00.000-07:00

"he kiss my lips i taste your mouth"

he came with a gift, a gift that he has promised me a long time ago.
and he scented it with my favourite scent of his.

what a sweet gesture.
to think that he actually remembered the words i said.

i lain in his arms, as we spoke.
ears pressed gently against his chest; the beat of his heart creating a wonderful melody in my ears.

there is an indescribable sense of security and comfort in his embrace.
warm, soothing and assuring..

he probably is the only one who has the physical powers to make me forget about whoever i wanna forget. i dont know why, somehow only he is able to do it..

maybe not forget but rather alleviate my pain that whoever has caused it..

he is child-like yet mature.
sentimental albeit insensitive at times.
he makes me laugh without making me feel stupid.
he laughs at my sarcastic responses.

he's taken.

not like i care.
not like he bothers too.

we are not affected anyway.

2009-06-15T23:56:00.000-07:00

im forever 18!!!

just look at my bday cake, its like a child's one.
and it symbolises undying youth just like the fresh water that springs out from the pristine clear lake.

HAHAH OKAY DHEY ENOUGH.

anyway i would like to thank the people who celebrated my bday with me on the different days.

it started on the 11th june with my pisangs. (jo, jol, rah, zee, fiza)

then 13th june on saturday with my sec school friends, (maxine, agnes, val, josy, des, yingzhong, caimin, guang rong, dede, howa, howing)

and it continued again on 14th june with my beloved cg N404 (anna, jean, nicole, morgan, nika, yuna, cheryl) in the afternoon.

at night it was with my family members, much loves.

on the actual day itself was with my jc friends (Lijun, ronald, john and minghan)

that is just part one. part two will continue with sinting, haz and gang.

"ultimately, its not the ones who leave, but the ones who stayed on, that actually matters"

especially to those who been in my life till thus far, we've come a long way together. thanks so much for being part of my life.

i love you all, boys and girls.

2009-06-07T00:13:00.000-07:00

the smell of baby powder.

"i need to stop thinking that everything will work when some things are better when it ends"

perhaps, one day,
we might cross paths.
we would be able to put everything behind us.
we might just talk.

perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.
life, full of its uncertainties.

i hate to say this..
i miss you.
i,
really,
do.

2009-05-30T14:02:00.000-07:00

The month of may is coming to an end, FINALLY.
seems like yesterday when you left.

The month of june will be better, it IS going to be better.
IT HAS TO BE better, its my bday month HELLO!

The dress that i bought online is now missing. apparently, the owner made a mistake and send it through normal mail when i opted for reg mail.

it is my FAV dress okay. i am so saddened by it.
i got many FAV dresses btw.

my dear dress, wherever you are now, please come back to me okay.
come back to pammie.
whoever finds it please send it back to me.

PLEASE.

alright.
done with a post that doesnt require much thinking and phrasing of my thoughts.
for once, my mind feels lighter.

thats all i need to know, for now.

2009-05-27T01:21:00.000-07:00

she picked up the pieces.
and pieced them together.
no matter how hard she tries,
its already broken.

damaged at its best.
flawed till perfection.

words failed her, terribly.
tears neglected her, miserably.
pain impaired her, perfectly.

all these while, she have been sharing him in memories.
memories, those silent movies that never fail to play in her head.
she feel it deeply in her heart but she just doesnt show it.

the truth never hides, and it always hurt.

breathe, pam, breathe.
love yourself.
cos no one else can love you more.

2009-05-25T00:35:00.000-07:00

i love my very own spongebob squarepants and my very own patrick.

they never fail to brighten up my life.

i should refrain from being too truthful; people cannot handle the truth.

sad but true.

they choose to run away.

oh well, do as you deem fit then darling.

at this juncture, words have failed me terribly.

i shall not waste my time and effort anymore.

i wish you the best of luck.

2009-05-19T00:45:00.000-07:00

random thoughts of you flashed across my mind.
sometimes, only sometimes i chose to dwell in those thoughts, those memories that are so so dear to me.

probably so dear that only i can understand how it feels like; no one else.
definitely not you.

why is it so painful to just think of you.
to just recall the slightest memory of you.

i laughed everyday, to my hearts content.
i smiled to the best i knew how.
i go crazy with my friends.

because i know..
if i dont laugh, if i am left alone with those memories,
i will break down. endlessly.

it is not easy.
it is never easy.
it wont be easy.
still, i am doing it.

once again, i am numb.
so fucking numb by the pain.

dont tell me to hope.
i dont believe anymore.
i dont want to.

2009-05-16T23:05:00.000-07:00

mother: there is a new dentist in my clinic, dr wong. my colleagues keep asking me to intro you to him.

me: what. how old?

mother: 28

me: good looking anot?

mother: not really la BUT(she stresses on this word) he is very hardworking.

me: forget it mummy, dont waste my time.

mother: not bad la this dr wong, quite a promising young man.

me: okay enough mummy.

i am not interested. these people can screw off.
the doctor i mean, not my mother.

i
just
simply
do
not
bother
at
all.

and you are STILL a COWARD. a spoilt rotten one.

2009-05-15T02:17:00.000-07:00

i hate it because you dont even care and here i am, hurting deep inside.
i hate it when it doesnt even bother you one single bit and here i am, tormenting myself with all these emotions.

i hate it when i had to deal with my emotional baggage caused by YOU, ALONE.
a heart never breaks even. never.

i hate the fact that i have to control my heart so badly, preventing it from aching each time i think of you and speak of you.

i hate the fact that you have moved on at the speed of light.
i abhor the fact that you are running away from the problem, avoiding the issue as much as you can.

today i went through the notion of relating everything that has happened between us to my girls.
and my heart ached just as much, if not more, than before.

not because of the fact that you are no longer in my life.
not because of the fact that you are no longer a part of me.
not because of the fact that we are friends now.
not because of the fact that we have gone our separate ways.

but because,just because,
i was never in your life right from the start.
i was never in the picture.
everything was a plot by you and i am just a chess piece in your game of life.

one wrong move and you chose to run away forever.
one mistake and you chose to hide.
why are you such a coward. seriously.

at the end of the day, you are the one who chose to run away from the problem.
keep running then, dont ever stop.
because if you ever did, thats when you will realise that you've lost many precious moments, people included.

i chose to forget about you because I WANT TO, not that i have to.
so DONT, i repeat, DONT, for one split second, think that i am caught up in you.

to those who genuinely care for me, i thank you from the bottom of my heart.
i thank God for you.

you know who you are.
i dont like to make things too obvious; its either you get it or you dont.
my actions always speak louder than my words.

if you dont, dont bother trying.
dont waste my time.

to those of who are unable to comprehend or even show empathy towards how i am feeling, what i am talking about. i would appreciate if you would keep your mouth shut, your comments to yourself and live your own life.

make this world a better place please, shut the fuck up.

i cant be bothered to share with people like you, and i dont wish to also. feel sad for yourself alright, not me.
because people like you dont matter to me as much as before or at all, its as simple as that.

get a life,
and get OUT of mine.

in the first place, were you even in it?

2009-05-12T23:03:00.000-07:00

DADDY CAN YOU JUST BUY A CAR. PLEASE.
BUY AND DRIVE US, ACTUALLY NO, ME ARD.

MY DADDY IS SUPER PRACTICAL HE DOESNT WANT TO GET A CAR BECAUSE HE SAYS THAT CARS IN SPORE ARE A LUXURY, NOT A NECESSITY.

WHERE GOT THIS KIND OF MINDSET ONE YOU TELL ME?!
EVEN THOUGH HE MAKE SENSE.
EVEN THOUGH HE IS RIGHT, FOR ONCE.

BUT STILL... HAVING A CAR IS SO SO SO SO MUCH MORE CONVENIENT TO TRAVEL AROUND DADDY.

WITH CAR I CAN GO OUT EVERYTIME, ANYTIME I WANT LEI.
HOW SHIOK IS THAT YOU TELL ME DADDY.

ARE YOU FLOWING WITH ME DADDY?!

i will go and get my licence first.
then i will psycho mummy to buy me a car.

daddy just get me a car will you.
i promise to be good. i promise daddy.

2009-05-10T23:53:00.000-07:00

picking up the pieces.
putting my heart back together.

emotions filled me as i walked down the pathway.
i saw the ghost of you.
i reached out my hand to touch you, only to watch you disintegrate before my very eyes.

it was an illusion.
your presence eluded me, left me, sooner than i expected.

the tears are not enough to conceal my pain, no?
so many words for the broken heart.
so hard to breathe.
through the eyes of grief, through the vision of emptiness,
i watched quietly as you walk away.

farther and farther it gets, there is no control.
i refused to give chase, i refused to budge from where i am standing.

you are gone. long gone.
i surrendered the pain to God, and He gladly take it from me.
i committed the hurt to the hands of God, and He willingly accept from me.
i cast all my cares and worries upon Him, and He unconditionally bear it for me.

and now i shall commit you to God, let Him take you away from me.
out of my heart you shall go.
reside in somewhere else.

i am giving you up.
i am letting you go.
i am moving on.

and one day, i shall look back upon this moment and proudly proclaim that i have overcome this.

1 Peter 5:10

But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after that ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle [you].

AMEN.

2009-05-08T00:51:00.000-07:00

a bruise that increased from the size of a 20 cent coin to that of a 50 cent coin,
a blister that is sore, red and painful.

not forgetting two more bruises on my left knee cap.

lately, bruises upon bruises.
not that i dont know how it happened, i simply dont care.

just to feel the pain as i live each day, could be, one of the ways for me to feel alive.

i cant stop my mind from being busy; i need to occupy my mind.
as much as i could.

the memories surfaced the very minute my mind's free.

every little bit reminds me of you.
even some of the words i speak are from you.
then i realised that you are gone, away from my life, away from me, away from us.

gone. i chose to chase you out of my life, literally.
i had to, because of the situation that we are in.
i ended everything.
i know i would be more painful holding on than letting go.

and its not that you cant meet my expectations, the fact is that you dont want to.
you dont bother.
you dont care.
you dont give a damn.

THAT,
IS
WHAT HURTS ME THE MOST.

in the end, we chose to give up.

what else is there to say.

_____________________________________________________

on a brighter note, it was great talking to sinting on the phone today after so long.
though its a short while, i enjoyed it.

i miss you brother. very much.

______________________________________________________

how good it would be to be able to call the person that you are missing whenever you feel like it, isnt it.
if only i could do that with you.

2009-05-04T23:18:00.000-07:00

the journey was different today.
as memories filtered their way through my head, the pain seep through my veins brazenly.
flash backs upon flash backs.
there i stood, unmoved in my silent reverie.
swallowing the hurt as it jerked me repeatedly inwardly,
fighting back the tears that were ever so enthusiastic to surface and flow.

alas, i lost control of it.
like how i lost control of my emotions and plunged in.
watery eyes, runny nose, blurred vision, tightening feeling of the chest...

i blinked. and it trickled down, creating invisible vertical lines down my cheeks.
my face was stinging with redness.

i once mentioned that i will never let you rob me of my happiness, and i still mean it.
it is not worth my time thinking of you, i know.
it is not worth my tears, i know.
it is not worth my heart aching for you, of course i know.

but....

i also know that the hurt is so intense,
the pain is so real,
the heartache is so genuine,
the memories so vivid.

celebrate the demise of a relationship,
embrace futuristic vibes,
leave behind the old man and move on,
its the beginning of a new journey.

pam, be strong. you can do it.
you are stronger than you think you are.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU THINK YOU ARE.

2009-04-23T00:23:00.000-07:00

Despite the efforts to tire myself out tremendously day after day, you never cease to leave my mind.

It seems like subconsciously, i would not let my day end without missing you, even if its for a single bit.

"Live for yourself, Pam. No one else will. "

its not worth doing that much for you and because of you. you would never know how to appreciate it anyway.

The very least i could do now, is to prevent you from abducting my happiness.

Cos i know thats something you arent capable of providing for me.

2009-04-16T01:45:00.000-07:00

i am the world's dumbest dumb.

and so i was out just now with daryl, we had a great time catching up since its been so long since we last saw each other.

i innocently assumed that i could take the night rider back so we dont have to rush and can spend more time chilling.
thus, we both decided to miss our last train back.

around 12ish we went to the bus stop to check out the latest bus timings. i still think that night rider is working, but somehow i didnt see any night riders in sight.
i continued to assume that it was probably too early for night riders.

suddenly, daryl said, "eh i thought night riders only for weekends, weekdays have meh?"

OH

MY

GOD.

i stared at him with disbelief, opened my eyes to the biggest it could get and LOOK CAREFULLY at the bus timings once again.

"FRIDAYS, SATURDAYS AND SUNDAYS ONLY"

"SHIT. " was all i could mutter after realising how stupid i was. how i could have possibly made that blunder, seriously.

so we proceeded to see if there were any other buses i could take to arrive nearer to my house area for me to take a cab home. then there it was, bus 63.

feeling a slight sense of relief, i took the bus once it came.

the worst has yet to come.

the bus drove to a place called jln bukit merah or redhill, some place that its further away from my house and it terminated!

thus, technically speaking, i was stranded at some west area!! my goodness. i feel so alone please, so abandoned.. and i had to take a cab from there because the place is so poorly lit with bus numbers i am not familiar with at all.

i went into the cab, still stung by the realisation of my stupidity.. and texted amanda telling her my plight.
my next worry is inadequate cash at hand. ive only got 16 with me and i frigging know the cab fare is going to cost more than that.

and i was right, it cost a whooping 18.90, plus midnight charge.

thank God for amanda, who came to my rescue. and the cab driver was kind enough to wait for amanda to come and hand me the money.

and so here i am, letting out all my angst and frustration on wasting money on cab fare due to my own negligence and assumption.

i am so not myself, what is happening to me.

if there is anyone who wants to silence me alive, i am telling you now its the time.

2009-04-15T15:32:00.000-07:00

thoughts of you filled my head with every breath that i take.
the feeling of you lingers in a way that caught me by surprise.
bouts of pain were injected into my soul as the mind boldly embraces the memories of you, me and us.

and as the mind muses, the heart wrenches; its a vicious process.
rationality of the mind attempts to conquer the emotions of the heart, but to no avail.

while the mind seeks to protect, the heart seeks to destroy and disintegrate.
ultimately, its just three words and eight letters.

i miss you.

i seriously do, from the depths of my heart
broken, shattered but still i feel it.
the longing to see you, to hear from you.

these walls that i once built are slowly falling apart before you.
i am becoming vulnerable towards you.
i dont know if its something good or bad.

i have already made my decision.

all i need now is time to confirm it.

2009-04-13T17:36:00.000-07:00

I WANT TO LAUGH TILL I CRY. AT LEAST THREE TIMES.

I NEED IT.

I NEED TO LAUGH.

I NEED TO CRY TEARS OF JOY.

CAN ANYONE HELP ME WITH THAT, PLEASE.

2009-04-10T01:47:00.000-07:00

i remember telling people to follow their hearts because it will bring them where they want to be ultimately, and they'll live without regrets.

why is it so difficult to convince myself with the above statement.
why is it so hard, so hard for me to believe that it can actually work.

"if only i could be as strong as i think i can"

2009-04-08T14:52:00.000-07:00

my heart is heavy.
my soul is weak.
the level of my happiness equates to the level of my pain, especially when i am with you.

those smiles, those laughter, are used as a shield against the hurt in me.
to distract those thoughts in my mind.

what i have to focus now is on letting you go.

thats all. and nothing else..

my heart is heavy.
my soul is weak.
my flesh is drained.

with every step i walked, i let out a huge inner sigh.

i am doing this all over again, just going through the notion, battling against the motion.. shutting myself off from the commotion..

no one can save me, i know.

this is something that only i can overcome it. you just need to believe... one more time pam.

one.
more.
time.

2009-04-05T22:00:00.000-07:00

Did I hear you right
'cause I thought you said
Let's think it over
You have been my life
And I never planned
Growing old without you

Shadows bleeding through the light
Where the love once shined so bright
Came without a reason
Don't let go on us tonight
Love's not always black and white
Haven't I always loved you?

But when I need you
You're almost here
And I know that's not enough
And when I'm with you
I'm close to tears
'cause your only almost here

I would change the world
If I had a chance
Oh won't you let me
Treat me like a child
Throw your arms around me
Oh please protect me

Bruised and battered by your words
Dazed and shattered how it hurts
Haven't I always loved you

But when I need you
You're almost here
And I know that's not enough
And when I'm with you
I'm close to tears
'cause your only almost here

THE TEARS WOULD NOT STOP FLOWING, TRUST ME. ITS INSANE.
I FEEL SO PAINFUL. THE CROWN OF MY HEAD TO THE SOLE OF MY FEET POUNDS WITH INTENSE HURT.

MY HEART... BEATS WITH EXCRUCIATING PAIN.

BEST OF ALL, YOU ARE THE CAUSE OF IT.

2009-04-05T18:37:00.000-07:00

all i can say is, what you see is not what you get.

its always the case isnt it?

hurt, yet again. what's new, by the way.

thank you for reminding me of the hurt i was had, the pain i once experienced.

i thought you were different.

did not expect myself to be wrong.

but i was.

and here i am,
shattered.
tattered.
torn.
broken.

AGAIN.

2009-03-30T23:42:00.000-07:00

a suitcase of worries.
a bag of burden.
a heavy heart, laden with uncertainties.
a tormenting mind.
a faithless perspective.

words of assurance did no justice to that.
it cant anyway, to her, talk is cheap.
words without actions are dead, period

i am different.
i think deep, much deeper than you think i thought.
i dont believe that happiness could last, as opposed to your optimism.
i am cynical, negative.
i dont believe i deserve what i am about to deserve.

this is just me.
if you cant accept it, leave.
i can take it; i am stronger than you think i am.

i have been through tougher times, ALONE MIND YOU.

at the end of the day, it'll just be me.

since when have it not.

2009-03-23T21:28:00.000-07:00

OCS SOCIAL NIGHT 19 MARCH 2009.

FINALLY, i had the opportunity to step into the grounds of SAFTI MI, OCS. my goodness, the place is so huge, the dining hall is so spacious. and not to mention, the entire place is filled with OFFICER CADETS. what more can i ask for?

i was brought on a mini tour around OCS by Officer Cadet Adrian, who was hospitable enough to even show me his bunk and all the other common places at OCS.

i fell in love with the parade square. INSTANTLY. best of all, i chanced upon the commissioning batch rehearsing their commissioning parade in their number one uni.
NUMBER ONE BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NUMBER ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
not one, not two, BUT A WHOLE FRIGGIN PLATOON OF THEM, MIND YOU!!!

imagining being immersed and surrounded by an OCEAN of men in WHITE SUAVE JAW DROPPING SWOONING NUMBER ONE UNIFORM.....

aww man. sometimes... life just gets better and better..

can i remind you again its NUMBER ONE UNIFORM THEY ARE WEARING.

i was THIS CLOSE to running to the parade square and to witness the entire rehearsal.
then i look around me and saw so many pairs of MANLY eyes staring at me and adrian.

and i felt like a fish out of the water. there was an intense beckoning for me to leave the place. reluctantly, with a heart as heavy as lead, i dragged my feet, dug my boots deep into the concrete ground and leave...

the night ended well with great company.

its another series of memories, frozen at its best.

2009-03-17T23:30:00.000-07:00

i am still holding back, i do not know for what. or rather, for who.

i dont deny the fact that i am happy now, but happiness is not everything.
we cant live on happiness alone, it WILL NEVER LAST.

let me live in denial for a while. thats the least i could do for now.. i refuse to face up to the issues of life.

allow me to be too occupied to answer the call of life.
allow me to rebel against society for once.
grant me the audacity to disobey myself this time.

______________________________________________

just the other day, i was in the bus when i saw a group of army guys in the OLD UNIFORM.
and almost immediately, a smile was formed across my face unconditionally.
i feel so thankful to be seeing a group of army guys IN THE OLD UNIFORM AGAIN.

once again, my eyes were revived, my love for uniformed men rekindled.

my apologies for sounding so desperate; i just abhor the new uniform. totally.
it make all my army men look so hideous, like some green heavily camo creatures that have just escaped from the jungles in brunei.

it absolutely kill my love for men in uniform, can you believe it? ME, PAMELA, turned off at the sight of guys in MILITARY UNIFORM? oh man the world is ending.

perhaps fiza will eat veggies soon.

this could well be a sign to end my love for army guys.

2009-03-10T00:19:00.000-07:00

expectations.

i do not happen to think that you are able to live up to mine.

thats why i dont have any for you or rather, OF you.

just remember that, you are one of my many reasons to be happy. i reckon that is good enough, would be a good start at least.

what more can we ask for right now, at this moment, seriously.

as we ventured into a journey of understanding each other better beyond the initial mutual attraction, both of us would just be glad that we had each other in our lives.

cherish the moments we have, at least i have you, for a moment.

2009-03-05T23:39:00.000-08:00

"if a guy is interested in dating a girl, he would try means and ways to ask her out, dont bother waiting or creating opportunities"

is the above statement not obvious enough? but some dumb girls just need the cold hard truth to be slapped right in front of their faces.

my current love: JUSTIN LONG.

his voice is so deep and sexy, its awesome.
and his charm grows on me, throughout the movie at least.

DREW BARRYMORE IS ONE LUCKY WOMAN.

Justin Timberlake, Jason Mraz, Jay Chou, now Justin Long...

my life is filled with "J" guys.

my son shall be named "Justin" and my daughter, "Faith" in the future.

just two is good enough, i will adopt the STOP AT TWO policy in future.

this post is supposed to be about justin. i digress until child birth, pam you are the best man.

2009-03-04T13:35:00.000-08:00

i am going to cast aside all thoughts, worries, problems and go ahead.

i am SICK OF ALL THAT. SICK. UTTERLY SICK, REPULSIVE OF THE SAME ISSUE THAT IS BOTHERING ME INCESSANTLY.

its like a disease; it wont go away, making my mind in utter disturbance.

WHY SHOULD I TELL.
WHY SHOULD I BE ACCOUNTABLE.
WHY CANT I LIVE MY LIFE THE WAY I WANT IT.

AND WHY DO I SOUND SO REBELLIOUS NOW.

WELL, MAYBE I AM REBELLING NOW.

THIS IS GOING NOWHERE AND IT WONT GO ANYWHERE.

D
A
M
N

IT.

LEAVE ME ALONE PLEASE, I NEED TIME. I AM RUNNING OUT OF EXCUSES/REASONS.

2009-03-02T22:55:00.000-08:00

the difference between reality and fantasy is the reason why hurts, pain, disappointments, anger and judgment are inevitable in the process of life.

we tend to expect and have hopes, sometimes higher than we can afford to.

the higher we expect, the deeper we plunge downwards, into the abyss of darkness.

and there she was, standing all alone against the world outside, bracing the storms and facing the difficulties she was subjected to.
her heart was cold, her soul weak, her breath was hurried, her heart palpitating.

she tried to inhaled the fresh air, but sniffed a stench instead. the air could not get more stale and deadly.

her mind is confused; she is being drawn to someone she is not supposed to be drawn to. until she finds someone who is experiencing the same plight as her, forever she would remain confused, unclear and lost. her predicament would murder her, literally.

she needs help urgently.
before she response to the beckoning call of disaster.

2009-02-25T23:55:00.000-08:00

the look in his eyes was intense, charming and mind blowing.
it met hers, and she could not help but smiled, feeling a tinge of heat warming up beneath the apples of her cheeks.

he continued his gaze, and nodded his head. she held his gaze and look into his deep chestnut eyes.. there was something going on; a sort of unspoken attraction happening there and then.

"are you a very quiet person?" she asked.

"yes i am.. i dont see the need to talk all the time, i prefer to listen. there is beauty in silence, the feeling between two people speaks volumes. " he answered confidently.

Bingo, she thought, she felt the need to ask the above question when she does most of the talking.

he is rather quiet, or rather he only speaks when he needs to or when questions are posed to him.

their eyes met; and he seemed to finding his way into her soul through that look, she had to say something, she thought, before she melted and died there and then.

"so, what do you do during your free time?" she diverted the attention to the conversation, breaking the silence between them.

and she proceeded to listen about his answers and the things he laughed about while talking. she nodded approvingly whenever its necessary.

she could not take her eyes off him., literally.
his looks are so immaculate, his features so polished and defined at the right places of his face. his smile is so charming, his gaze is ultimately mesmerizing.

his looks was everything she could ask for, seriously. she would give him a high booming score of 9 out of 10. yes, its that awesome.

nonetheless, somehow her heart does not seemed to gear towards him.

______________________________________________

on the other note, there is this guy, who talks more to her.
this guy interacts more with her, although he is shy but at least he makes the effort to talk to her and she appreciates it very much.

in fact, she enjoys talking to him and the time spent with him..
as compared to the above, this guy shows more interest in wanting to know her better and that is what she wants. she needs a two way communication, an active interaction where the other party does not just listen, but participates and initiates conversations.

and most importantly, makes her laugh.

now its not that the other one does not show interest, perhaps he does, but...

person A has everything she wants; looks, body, height, personality and nationality.. but he does not seem to be what she needs...

person B is, on her scale, average looking but still good looking, decent, gentlemanly, refined.. and he seems to be everything that she could need..

what is wrong with her. has she chose to wise up, or is she going to continue in this vicious cycle of denial, that all that look good will eventually be good..

2009-02-23T01:06:00.000-08:00

currently, i am FAMISHED. no, thats an understatement.

I AM EXTREMELY SUPER DUPER WHOOPERLY FAMISHED.

i was studying halfway and i couldnt resist the hunger pangs. so i decided to venture into the forbidden and forsaken place in my home (AKA the kitchen) to begin my search for food.

i opened the door of the refrigerator a couple of times, sweets, frozen food and what not. i dont eat those stuff. a futile attempt.

i opened the cupboards and saw packets of instant noodles, i was so tempted to cook one packet for myself but looking at the time now and the considering the effort i would have to put in for both preparing and clearing it up later, i decided to close the cupboard and skipped that thought in my head.

yet another futile attempt.

no bread on the table, but there is nutella spread and margarine. IRONIC IS IT NOT.
(MY HOUSE IS WORSE THAN ANY FIELD CAMPS, even the soldiers have food rationing with them, I HAVE NONE.)

after much pacing up and down, whining to amanda and entertaining the thoughts in my mind, my verdict is to make myself a cup of hot GREEN TEA.

YES GREEN TEA. but whatever for you may ask, in the hope that my hunger could be suppressed and to better aid in the digestion of the food i ate during dinner time.

BTW I HAVE NOT SAID THIS: I AM CRAVING FOR THE HOT AND SOUR SOUP NOODLES FROM HK CI-NAI CAFE at ECP. DAMN IT.

IF ONLY SOMEONE COULD DRIVE ME TO THERE TO EAT NOW. IF ONLY....

i am wishing with a cup of green tea in my hands.

explain to me again, why do i like to subject myself to such torture?

i dont even deserve it.

2009-02-21T01:03:00.000-08:00

"when i turn 35 and you are still single by then, at least i know i would marry you," he said it as a matter of factly.

"would you mean what you say?" she smiled as she awaited his response on the screen.

"at least i know i would take you on dates to see if we are compatible, i guarantee." he continued.

"when you are 35.. means i will be.. 29?"
"yup" he confirmed.

little did he know that she has already planned to marry at 26.
and she did not bother to tell, she doesnt know why.

"are you seeing anyone now?" he probed further.
"as in a constant someone?" she acted blur.

"yup."
"no"

"but you still go on dates do you?"
"now and then, yes. why?"
"i am just curious" was his response.

she and him.
their stories traced back to a few years ago.
she was 18 when she first met the 24 year old him.
initial impressions did not cause anything in their hearts.
before she know it, he keeps appearing in her life.
she soon found herself taking a fancy for him.
they went out once and met up twice.
he liked her but thought that the timing was wrong,
hence he keep everything to himself.. and left to another country.
yes he left and led his life for a period of time without her.

she caught his signs and moved on, knowing her character. she never waits.
she was involved in a new relationship, not completely forgetting about him though.

she and him did not contact at all, for a year at least.

somehow, they met again for the first time after what seemed so long, in a mutual friend's birthday party. this time, her existing relationship has already ended.

and they managed to catch up and clear the air about the issues among them.

currently, he would meet up with her occasionally.

of course, she has a choice to not go but she chose to instead. deep inside she cannot bear not to. there are times where conviction strikes her heart.

but then again, its not like they had a clandestine love affair. there was no rendevous involved, no messing around, nothing.

its just two friends opening their hearts to each other. thats all she could say and thats how she would describe this relationship between them.

there is definitely no love involved from both parties; could be the fact that they both have a special place in each other's heart..

sometimes all she wants is to follow her heart.. is that wrong even?

2009-02-16T17:11:00.000-08:00

her eyelids twitched followed by the movement of her fine muscles.
grasping her hand in his, he sat upright the instance he felt the motion.
gingerly, she lifted her eyelids and opened her eyes, only to meet the gaze of a familiar figure.

"hailey.. hailey.. can you hear me darling?" the figure spoke, his voice filled with relief and anxiety.

Armani Exchange. with her vision still blurred and her head pounding heavily, she recognised that manly scent.

Her eyes darted across the room, walls painted in the lightest shade of cream pink, her favourite colour. the orange lights surrounding the room that gives her the warmth and comfort she seeks so fervently. the furniture, the interior zen decor of the room invoke a sense of familiarity in her.

oh yes, its her room. suddenly it dawned upon her.
she looked to her left and saw herself on a drip. in front of her, there were not one but two people clad in white robes speaking to a man.

"her condition..... you need to..... yes I hope that you understand.... " the words were muffled; the conversation were unclear from where she was hearing as much as she was straining her ears to listen.

"Ralph? is that you?" the first few words she spoke after a few minutes of recollection.
"Baby, you're awake.. how are you feeling? i found you unconscious at the bathroom with blood all around. i was terrified, i called Dr Crawford immediately." he grasped her hand and probed desperately. Nonetheless, his tone was calm and assuring, despite the tinge of nervousness and fear evident in it.

He frowned his thick and well defined brows and looked at Dr Crawford again, "are you sure she is going to be alright?" his voice, deep and stern.

"Yes, Mr Warren. just remember our conversation," Dr Crawford reassured.
"Alright, thank you Doctor, i'll get Audrey to see you out now, thanks again" she watched as Ralph shook hands with Dr Crawford firmly, still wearing that worried expression on his flawless face.

"Hi baby, we meet again.." she whispered with a weak smile.
she ran her fingers through his dark brown hair, caress his face with her left hand fondly, feeling the softness of his complexion and the smoothness of his clean after shave across his chiseled jaws.

Being in a relationship for three years, Ralph has always been a loving boyfriend.
He accepted Hailey completely even after knowing everything about her pasts.
He loved her for who she is, supported her in what she wanted to be and cherished her for what she can do.

Despite the arguements, it was never an avenue for Ralph to escape. Instead, he pressed on to understand Hailey better and deeper.
There are times where he became really infuriated and hurt by Hailey's unreasonable and defensive ways, but he has never thought of leaving her.

Deep inside, both of them are aware of the bond they shared and the love they have harvested in each other's heart.

"Honey, why are you hurting yourself again? Have you any idea how it pains me to see you in such a state?" his expression was crestfallen, fighting back the tears glistening in his big hazel brown eyes.

"I almost lost you, you know that.. Dr Crawford said your capillaries were ruptured, and you missed your arteries by inches.. " he continued before she could speak, his face grimaced with intense fear, revealing a ghastly pale on tanned face.

"I needed a way out, Ralph. i am so stuck... " was her feeble answer.

He held her in a tight embrace, the heat of his face pressing against her cold and livid face. She felt safe, she was secure.....

but its not what she wanted.
'cos deep in her heart, she knew that it would not be over.

at least not for now.

2009-02-16T01:30:00.000-08:00

She stares at the screen, the song playing in her ear with lyrics echoing in her head.
all she wants is just to cry, to cry her heart and lungs out, to bawled her eyes out and cry, literally.
all she wished for is the tears to take the sorrows and troubles away.

so caught up in this abyss of never-ending turmoil, incessant pain and the recurring plunge into the deep dark emotions.
surrounded by the forces beyond identification, she couldnt tell what is it that is taking her away.
abducting her of her life, robbing her of her happiness
depriving her of the very breath that she holds so closely each time.

she hides the bruises.
she buries the hurt.
she denies the pain.
only to feel more vividly and to taste more bitterly of each every single time..

"hang on, help is on its way, " she heard the voices calling out to her.
she waited.....

help never arrived.
she was never rescued.
she woke up to her senses only to find herself plunge deeper into that realm of darkness.
the pathway that led her to intense pain, hurt and trauma.
she tried to cry; tears abandoned her.
she tried to scream; voices eluded her.
she tried to struggle but to no avail; strength was sucked dry from her.

she was SUCKED dry from EVERYTHING.

she needs to be without herself.
separate her flesh from her mind, that is.
her flesh is paying for the price of the malicious mind, boiling up a storm of callous and distressing thoughts.

with each thought tugging at the deepest of her heart strings, she soon finds herself hyperventilating at the sight of herself in the mirror, shivering with clammy hands and breaking out in cold sweat.

she mustered the remaining portion of her strength left and smashed her fist into the mirror, and watched aimlessly as pieces and shatters of glass bits fall to the cold hard concrete flooring.

slumped to the ground with a loud thud, she reached out for a piece next to her and began slitting across her wrist a couple of times. eyes of stone observed the flow of crimson red, tracing its path as the trapped emotions found its way out of that lifeless body of hers.

she slitted again, and again and again, burying deeper into each new wound, leaving behind an endless trail of red which eventually scarred her for life.

with dilapidated eyes, she felt her surroundings spin.
her head became heavier than her heart at that instance.

her fingers were losing grip; the fatal piece of evidence, tainted with blood slipped out of her left palm.

she bit her parched lips, swallowed her saliva stained with the remaining seconds of life, and shut her eyes..
knowing that she would survive still; the greatest insult to her.
because her life is a living nightmare that never cease to haunt her, never failing to grip her in fear, distraught and agony.

and we all know, there is no escape for her.
not even death.

2009-02-14T23:45:00.000-08:00

St Valentine was nice to me this year; managed to spend time with my parents and amanda.

Happy Walentine People!

love, the cranky duo aka Amanda & Pamela

2009-02-09T13:31:00.000-08:00

there she was, looking as the bubbles carried themselves in the air, floating with gaiety.

Not knowing that they would soon disintegrate in the air and eventually float in the realm of nothingness, or nirvana.

if only it could be that simple.

the pain in her life have disillusioned her, causing her to be in a pursuit of ephemeral joys which left her feeling void and alone at the end of the day.
nothing in life really mattered to her, at least.
no one in her life is for real, it seems.

she has lost the will to even cry; all that she is feeling is barren and dry.
tears hold no meaning no more.
crying is no longer a therapy or even a remedy.
she could die trying to find an avenue to release those pent up feelings.
in fact, she rather die.

cynical thoughts, vivid anger, callous sarcasm, living pain, bitter hurts are emotions she struggles to regulate and alleviate every single day.
her life is in such a facade she lost her genuine self in it.
she has lost it,
forever.
and the truth is, she cant never get it back,
no matter how much she wants
no matter how much she tries

desperate cries of help echoed deep from the bottom of her heart, but the mind suppresses it.
the mind is now controlling her whole self, overpowering her weak and fragile heart.
the mind is plotting against her heart; conflicts within the two realms of her soul.
resulting in the breaking torment of the soul, the numbness from the excruciating pain of the heart and the dysfunctional state of the body.

like the bubble in the air, she would perish from the face of this earth, leaving behind the legacy of living a life behind the veil.

2009-02-03T01:15:00.000-08:00

do you have ANY idea how much i missed you?

obviously you dont.

you're so dumb.

and i'm dumber

to be liking you.

2009-01-31T13:40:00.000-08:00

after a post of heartfelt rants and heart ache, here are the pictures that captures the lovely memories of yesterday.

like i always say, shots dont lie.

2009-01-30T23:50:00.000-08:00

"Let me hold you
For the last time
It's the last chance to feel again
But you broke me
Now I can't feel anything "

today was a special day for me; for once i felt sad that the day had to end so fast.
my girls and i went to ecp to cycle. and we had total, tremendous fun.

for once, i refused to allow the burden of assignments weigh me down.
i refused to succumb to the worries of my pile of assignments.
not that i dont care, i just need a break from all that.

a short break will do, before i collapse and die, literally.

and so i had many hours of relaxation and therapy together with the girls.

i cant cycle and zizah was very sweet to volunteer to share a two seater bike with me.
she was even my coach for bicycle riding! and the rest of my darlings were my cheerleaders, cheering me on as i took my baby steps on learning how to ride a bicycle once again.

i will be able to ride a bicycle properly by the end of this year, just you wait and see.

and so there i was sharing a two seater bicycle with zizah..
we cycled down that path, that very same route that i once went 2 years ago..
saw the same scenary, witness the similar pictures and reminisce the past feeling...

it has been 2 years since i cycled at ecp.

Surprised i am, that as i cycled, the memories began to surface, bit by bit, piece by piece, completing the beautiful picture that was created 2 years ago......

i closed my eyes and inhaled the breeze that was kissing so gently against the apples of my cheek... all i could see and feel, was you.

i remembered how you would lead the route, the way your love would guide me back whenever i was lost..

i remembered how i would just let you paddle through, the way i placed all the trust in my heart on you, that you would be there with me through hell and high waters...

i remembered how i would remain silent and just listening to your voice, having complete faith that its the same voice that would calm my mind and soothe my soul...

i remembered the way i would lean on your back listening to the beat of your heart beating against mine, guarding your heart in mine...

i remembered how important you were to me.
i remembered how much i loved you.

slowly, i felt the pain, subtle but sharp..
i almost teared there and then behind the bicycle.

thank God no one noticed.
my heart spoke and the wind heard.
it blew my sorrows away, disintegrating it with the dust in the air.

the aftermath of it was filled with a surge of emotions that yours truly was trying to conceal deep inside.
not that i dont want to confide in my girls; i just didnt want to ruin the mood we had by crying because i know i would the moment i start to speak.

"let me hold you for the last time, its the last chance to feel again" were the last words i said to you...

these words make me feel like crying.

somehow, tears just arent enough for me to release.

to my girls, thank you so much for today. i enjoyed myself tremendously.
you know i love you. :)

PS: photos will be up soon, blogger's being a bitch tonight.

2009-01-23T23:39:00.000-08:00

EVERYONE LOVES DADDY.

aunt serena bought daddy a lighter from overseas.
aunt nancy bought daddy a top.
mummy bought daddy LOADS of tops, bottoms and what nots.
amanda told daddy the problems she faced at school.
grandma cant wait for daddy to join us for reunion dinner on sunday.

SINCE WHEN HAS MY FATHER BECOME SO POPULAR AND HIGHLY DEMANDED?
goodness, indeed things are changing.

i should do something to show my love for him too. okay daddy brace yourself i am gonna kiss your cheeks and hug you.

SOON, i mean.

perhaps the only time i would do that to daddy is the night before my wedding when i know that i am going to begin a new phase of my life with my other half.

__________________________________________________________

daddy issues aside, finally tonight i am able to lie on my bed peacefully, using my laptop for blogging and chatting purposes instead of assignment matters.

the sense of relief.
the feeling of liberty.
the peace in the heart.
the sanity of the mind.
the renewal of your life.

all these tangible essences are inexplicable, indescribable and unimaginable.

been sleeping for no more than 4 hours for the past week and this week.
needless to say, i am totally absolutely completely sleep deprived.

thank God another week its over; i survived again.
did not kill me; it just makes me stronger. AMEN. :)

i was told today in class that there will be totally no internet access at hanoi during my study trip.

NOW IM BEGINNING TO WORRY. I AM SO GONNA CRY WHEN I LEAVE FOR HANOI.
14 DAYS WITHOUT ACCESS TO INTERNET AND AUTOROAM!!!!!!!
HOW ON EARTH AM I GOING TO BE CONNECTED TO THE WORLD.

its going to be so difficult for me to survive without msn, sms and phone calls.
i will miss people. the people i cant bear to leave behind.

to me 14 days is not a short period and spending 14 days in an all new environment would mean that missing the people and things in singapore badly.

if you dont understand my point, check with those army personnels who got confined for at least two weeks.

____________________________________________________________

someone once told me, "music is the window to your heart"
so do the honours of playing a melody for me, let me open my heart to you.

play the melodies of my life,
compose the lyrics of my time,
sing the songs of the dark,
strum the strings of my heart.

for i do not know which is better, to numb or be numbed..
do you?

2009-01-18T01:10:00.000-08:00

"how do you know when you have already gotten over the past?"

"when i can finally look back to the past and not shed a single tear or feel any pain in my heart"

miraculously, i felt a huge sense of relief after that sentence.
baby, i've moved on. are you proud of me?
i have finally gotten over our past, gotten over you and the pain that you have once inflicted upon me.

the major upheavals you've caused in my life, i've buried it six feet under.

indeed, all you need is time.

and whats left are just memories without emotions.
goodbye baby, for good.

_______________________________________________________

geminis are an extreme bunch of people.
i couldnt agree more.
its either i like or dislike you; there's no in between.

which explains why i am selective towards the people i am close to.

the people close to me should know this very well; i dont usually open up unless i know i could trust you.

if i smile at you BUT dont talk much to you, i am not being pretentious.
i just DISLIKE YOU, thats all.

and if i dont even bother to look at you and smile, its a sign for you to never cross paths with me.

i speak through my actions and body language, and not so much with my mouth.

READ ME BEFORE YOU TALK TO ME.

from me to you:
if you are going to leave, please go ahead.
just remember, REMEMBER, NOT TO EVER COME BACK.
if you cant make my life better, at least, dont make it worse.

i could do very well without people like you, i mean it.

2009-01-11T01:21:00.000-08:00

what are the late night messages about.
what are these words that you are saying to me now.
are they supposed to mean something.

your motives are crystal clear.
i know what is going on.

but its nothing to me now.
simply because my heart is cold.
this karmic effect is getting onto you, i can see that.

dont blame me,
dont blame others,
blame yourself, darling.

you brought this upon yourself single handedly, honey.

love me BEFORE its too late,
i dont do second chances.
neither do i seek to revive and rekindle things of the past.

they are called "PAST" for a reason, you know.

im a living person with flesh and blood.
so please, treat me like one.

2009-01-04T00:09:00.000-08:00

the girl would like to take this chance for this dance..
to thank the people who has been with her throughout this while and are still with her..

to the people who are important to her, you know who you are, your actions have spoken loud to her and she has felt your unspoken care and love for her.

to my girls, brothers, close friends, i love all of you more than you know. thank you for loving me.

2009-01-03T02:18:00.000-08:00

the first post for year 2009.

before i speak, enjoy the pics:

MAXINE'S 21ST WAS AWESOME. FREE FLOW OF BOOZE, GREAT COMPANY, COOL PEOPLE.
STAYING FOR THE COUNTDOWN TOGETHER.

FABULOUS LAST DAY OF 2008.

to max my girl, cheers to our 12 years and counting of friendship. you know i love you. *MUACKS*

too many details to pen down; ask me personally if you want to know anything or anyone.

shall i have the honour to embrace you in my arms and indulge myself in this sight with you? maybe one day.. you could bring me there..

"i could make your life better or worse; your choice darling."

last but not least,
HAPPY 2009 PEOPLE!

2008-12-26T10:20:00.000-08:00

TEN THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE

1. Have you ever been in love – yes i had.
2. Do you believe in love at first sight – no way jose.

3. Do you currently have a crush? – i dont crush on people, i fall for them.
4. Have you ever been hurt emotionally – one too many

5. Have you ever broken some one's heart –DEFINITELY
6. Have you ever had your heart broken – OF COURSE LA DEY

7. Have you ever liked someone but never told them – MANY TIMES
8. Are you afraid of commitment – what's that?

9. Who was the last person you hugged – i cant remember
10. Who was the last person you said I love you to? – MY MOTHER

TEN PREFERENCES IN A PARTNER

1. Smile or eyes - im greedy, so both please thank you.
2. Light or dark hair – either one is fine, as long as he has nice stylish hair.

,3. Hugs or kisses – how does someone kiss without hugging? though i know its possible to hug without kissing.
4. Shorter or taller – TALLER PLEASE. at least 175cm.

5. Intelligence or attraction - BOTH CAN DO. told you im greedy.
6. Topman or Zara – None, i want ralph lauren polo tees.

7. Funny or serious – FUNNY LA. why so serious.
8. Older or Younger – i dont know.

9. Outgoing or quiet – definitely outgoing please. i dont want to be with a statue.
10. Sweet or Bad – i would go for sweet, bad boys dont last. tested and proven.

just for the fun of it. eat, drink and be merry people. its the festive season!

im guarding your heart in mine. :) be blessed, darling.

2008-12-26T01:53:00.000-08:00

before i began this post, i mused on what the content of this post would be.
i was geared into reminisce mode; so i went into my archives and read the post a year ago.

2008 will forever be etched deeply in my mind and imprinted heavily in my heart.
there are indeed many highlights in my life this year.
before it ends officially, allow me to do it justice by briefing talking about these heart stopping, breath taking, dream living events.

turning 21 in june never felt better, not talking about the aftermath where i shoulder tons of new responsibilities due to the "freedom" gained.

witnessing my friends turning 21 could not be a better way to wrap up this year as we enter into the phase of adult hood together.

(my girl maxine's one is the ultimate one before the year closes to an end, what a brilliant finish to 2008)

perhaps its with the age, this year i am learning to handle matters more seriously in one way or another.
perspectives are widen, perceptions are deepen. the mind's been training on a treadmill constantly i must say.
observe more, do more and speak less. in fact speak much lesser.

nonetheless, the playful side of me is still very much evident. i need it like a fish needs water. its one of the things that retains my sanity during those times of insanity. its my way of survival amidst the heaps of grueling assignments and projects.

and life is full of fun, why so serious people. all work and no play makes you a dull child.

i thank God that this year im able to slowly mature my thoughts and train my thinking; i am glad that i am slowly growing up still and learning how to be wise as the day goes by.

by the grace and goodness of the Lord, i give thanks to everything and everyone that are in my life indirectly or directly.

____________________________________________________

and how could i forget this year is when i spotted my darling KENNETH WEE at tpy swimming complex.
OH MY GOSH THAT MOMENT OF EUPHORIA!
it has then churned a case of serious infatuation for a few months.

then we had NDP 08 duty. KELVIN POH. my another LOVE, though it was short lived, but at least, i had you for a moment, my love. and the other guards man i took pic with.

and of course all my hunks that i used to spot in the earlier part of this year, the numbers has been going down since my birthday. i really want to know why.

i could not emphasize more on the pain or rather agony of being single, especially when 80% of my friends are already happily attached and some of which are planning out their future together. HORRORS.

like i always said, i've already gotten my life planned out. i just need someone to walk that path with me.

someone who is capable and worthy of my love, i dare boldly say.

i need to start setting goals for the new year.

give me a few days to enjoy before 2009 greets with more wonderful and unexpected surprises.

is that not what life's about? surprises and the unexpected.

just like how im surprised by your sudden appearance in my life.

2008-12-22T02:27:00.000-08:00

THE MOTHER PART 1.

time: 9ish in the morning
date: 21st dec 2008, sunday

i was washing my face.
mummy was reading newspaper in the living room.

mummy: aiyo these days ah those teenage girls go to those clubs and pubs and dance and lose themselves there, doing all those nonsense stuff. just look at them they are so young!

i am still washing my face.

mummy(walks into the kitchen to prepare something): pam, you BETTER dont go to those clubs and pubs like those teenage girls and misbehave, i am telling you. stay away from such places.

pam: but i am not a teenage girl already WHAT.

mummy: i didnt say you are i am just telling you not to go those places.

pam: -_________-" BUT-

mummy: so now you think you are very big already isit, okay then go and support yourself financially la start a family. 21 already is not big okay.

MY FACE CHANGING COLOUR ALREADY LO. SHE STILL WANT TO CONTINUE, MACIAM SAY TILL VERY SHIOK LO.

mummy: you dont think you 21 already then you very EH SAI(capable in hokkien) hor.. still can tell me you not a teenage girl already..

SHE DRONED ON FOR A FEW MORE MINUTES THEN FINALLY STOPPED.

LIKE WHAT THE FISH LA. FISH NETS AND FISH MONGERS.

i didnt freaking say anything wrong okay and the only sentence i said was that one freaking sentence then she start a whole drama.

KENASAI.

I AM 21 ALREADY LA FOR GOODNESS SAKE AND SHE STILL TALKS TO ME LIKE I AM 12!!!!

oh my goodness, angry angry angry.

mummy. restrictions dont happen to work on me so dont talk to me like that. i wont listen.

yes i know i have to honour my mother and hey dont get me wrong i love her with every bit of heart mind and soul.
but that does not i can accept the way she talks , that does not mean i can tolerate her attitude.

its a blessing that my mother does not know anything about blogs or that i have a blog.

THE MOTHER PART TWO.

time: still 9ish in the morning
date: 21st dec 2008, sunday

pam: mummy find one day we go eat desserts from the famous dessert shop at bugis okay?

mummy(face as straight as be): see how lo, see when you free first, dont say first, i anytime also free, you are the one who is occupied.

and she just cut me off like that.

pam: -_____________________________-""" okay BYE i am going out.

IS IT ME OR IS THERE SOME FREAKING SENSE OF SARCASM I SENSE IN HER WORDS AND TONE OF VOICE.

WHAT THE HELL.

PLEASE OKAY WHO IS THE ONE WHO IS WORKING WORKING AND WORKING ON WEEKDAYS. MY WEEKENDS ARE BUSY BECAUSE I HAVE A LIFE. AND I NEED ONE ALRIGHT.

wa i cant stand it okay!!!! my blood has been boiled until its damn cooked.

my mother is damn cool with her attitude can, i dont like it.
she is like MR KHOO AKA MY FATHER.

on a lighter note, thank God its she who is talking to me like that rather then mr khoo. cuz i HATE/CANT STAND/ABHOR pep talks from my father.

he can talk till the cows come home and become beef rendang and he still wont stop.

woe is me by then. might as well sentenced me to the death penalty.

_________________________________________________________

griped by the fears
holding back the tears
wishing there was someone to save me from here.

i pray that you would appear before i disappear
that you would connect before i disconnect
that you would amend before i bend
that you would be able before i stumble.

save me from myself, angel.

2008-12-15T16:43:00.000-08:00

pictures from the wedding last sunday. its been a week. how time flies.

_______________________________________________________

she took a stroll down that place, that street, that lane.
the place where they first met.
the street where they first loved.
the lane where they first kissed.

after so long, she finally mustered the courage to take that walk down memory lane.
just to see if it still hurts.
just to feel if the pain is still alive.
just to revive the thoughts that were long buried in her memory.
just to reminisce the time when love seemed so real to her.

she needed answers to her burning questions, answers that only she could provide for herself.
she needed a confirmation, not just a reply.
she needed assurance, not just obligation.

somehow, the answers were almost clear to her.
somehow, reliving the past doesnt hurt anymore.
she knew she had to move on; in fact she has already done so.

deep down inside, she knew that her heart is ready to start afresh, to begin new works.
nonetheless, its one thing to want to do and another to really do it.
because truth be told, she want to avoid as many things as she could.
but how many of us know that it is impossible.
it is impossible to walk through life without trials and tribulations, just like how it is impossible to get out a relationship unscathed and unaffected.

such are the ironies of life that constantly revolves around her.

"this world will never be what i expected"
but we all know we cant do without expectations.
because we will only accept the love we deserve.

ironies are true, just like how prophecies guides us through.

________________________________________________________

mr potential is going away on tuesday for 9 days.
9 days is nothing; he'll be back before i knew it.
but that does not mean i wont miss him.

no, he is not part of my life. not yet.

2008-12-11T01:14:00.000-08:00

of late, there is an intrusion of monsters into my life. no i am not kidding, its real life sized monsters i m talking about.

the worst thing is that i cant prevent such tremendous force of intrusion in my life because as much as i wanted to do so i cant. for many other reasons.

mainly, for the good of all. though i cant take it, i made it through with gritted teeth. i survived the ordeal. well done, pam.

and i would like to thank the friends who was there with me to fight this battle simply by just listening to my problems, feelings and what nots.

i really thank God for angels. all i need is someone to listen and you've done it. each one of you (you know who you are, and you are very much appreciated)

i shall not waste space and effort repeating stuff; life has better things for me to focus on.

_____________________________________________

Cause If one day you wake up and find you're missing me
and your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be
Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet
And you'll see me waiting for you on our corner of the street
So I'm not moving, I'm not moving,
I'm not moving, I'm not moving

I AM SO IN LOVE WITH THIS SONG...
THE LYRICS ARE WHOA..

will i ever meet someone like that. who loves me to the extent that he does the above willingly.....

WAKE UP PAM. DREAMS DONT EXIST IN REALITY.

_______________________________________________

till then its monsters alive in my life and they will be everywhere till the day i die.

God please grant me the grace to love everyone, including the monsters in my life, Amen.

2008-12-08T02:29:00.000-08:00

among all these years, this is the first wedding dinner that i have attended to and remembered all the details about it.

the memories of the other weddings were wipe out long ago because i was too young to be aware of anything back then.

it was daniel and philana's wedding at shangri la yesterday and the wedding was great i should say.

due to the fact that the parents of daniel and philana my cousin are businessmen, the people who attended the wedding were mostly businessmen. it was akin to a rich men gathering upon reaching there.

the guys were suavely dressed in business suits; the ladies were elegantly clad in lovely dresses.

i felt like a princess in a rich men kingdom, except that i wasnt looking out for my prince.

"maybe some rich man's son would want to know you at the dinner later", mummy commented randomly before we left for the dinner.

"if only its that easy, LOL man mummy," i laughed.

the wedding march was david cook's always be my baby which i felt was something refreshing.

the dinner commenced with chris brown's forever, cool man. and its not all the remaining songs for the first part of the dinner was all r n b and hip hop songs.

unfortunately 80% of the guests were from the older generation and there was no one to flow with me except amanda. thank God for her.

the food was alright, did i mention free flow of alcohol?
well yea, free flow baby. free flow.

but my mother and grandma were there to "control" my drinking, so i had to resist.
when philana was giving her speech, i could feel her.. i could understand how it would be like for me to be married.

i guess i would still very much behave like my mother's little girl and at the same time learning how to be someone else's wife.

it will then be another turning point of my life, as what grandma always said.

AND HAVE I MENTIONED THAT ALL MY RELATIVES WERE ASKING MY MOTHER WHEN IS IT GOING TO BE MY TURN TO GET MARRIED. MYGOSH.

because after philana i am the older one in line and i am the oldest grandchild of my family's next generation. SO PLEASE FEEL MY PRESSURE.

actually its all my parents fault, who ask them to marry so early and produce me at such a young age. LOL okay im kidding.

i asked all my relatives to wait 5 years later. just give me 5 years to settle my life first.

PLEASE LA DEY NOW DONT EVEN HAVE THE FREAKING BOYFRIEND TALK ABOUT WHAT MARRIAGE SIA, DONT FUNNY LEI DEY.

just wait okay, GREAT THINGS IN LIFE ARE WORTH THE WAIT, CHEH. (words of wisdom seh)

okay now then i boldly mention 5 years, i really need to produce something after 5 years. LOL damn it pam, you are damn act smart la.
speaking of which i have already got my life journey planned out,

all i need is that someone to walk this journey with me, hand in hand, heart in heart.

someone who is worthy of my love.

5 years pam, your next milestone in life.

"nor eyes have seen, nor ears have heard, about the things that the Lord have prepared for those who love and diligently seek Him"

i'll be waiting.

2008-12-07T02:28:00.000-08:00

mr potential, you are not so "potential" after all.
its been only a week and im losing it slowly..
i am interested to see how long more i could hold onto you, seriously.
you are getting further and further away with every passing day.

week 8 had ended with another bang.

come week 9 its another cycle of craziness. we are so caught up in this vicious cycle of assignment, projects and schoolwork.

we are entangled in a wicked cyclone of emotions.

thats the reason why i am so unpredictable at times.
and why i could be so irrational
and why i could break down and cry at night when i smiled all the way in the day
and why i could love and hate you at the same time.

ever ever after, is something that i pursue but nothing that i believe in.

2008-11-30T23:57:00.000-08:00

went to jasmine's 21st party at marina country club on saturday. we went round in circles just finding the place, seriously poor max who has been on the wheels for one hour plus non stop.

FINALLY we found the bird-dont-lay-egg place and managed to enter the party.

there wasnt much cchsm people invited; in fact only the few of us whom jas was close to or still is now.

80% of the guests were her relatives among which one of her cousins happened to be our NPCC senior back then in sec sch days.
so there we were reminiscing the past, reliving old school days and catching up each others' lives.

"lets go on a graduation trip together," peiying was telling us.

i would gladly agree to it, though its been years since we graduated.

peiying remained the same; no change; still as bubbly and chatty as ever.
she is the livewire, seriously. she can brighten up any conversation, i feel, as always.

i missed those times with her, and jas too.

the ironic thing is that our mothers seem to remember us specifically after all these years of non contact.
seriously, like what my mother always say, " i'll always remember you, maxine, jasmine and peiying."

this probably is true with jasmine's mother too who was so excited to see us upon arrival.

it was yesterday once more..

this year has been the year of many 21st, i still have 3 upcoming 21st to attend.

SAVE ME. THE HOLE IN MY BANK ACC IS GREATER THAN THAT IN THE OZONE LAYER.

GF of 11 years and counting... its your turn next girl! *LOVES*

lets celebrate it with a BIG BANG and a WHAM BAM THANK YOU MAM!

"the best is always saved for the last"

mr potential, i hope our next outing will come to past.

you are, indeed, amongst the many that my heart has selected.

for the time being, that is.

2008-11-29T00:47:00.000-08:00

pamela survived week 7. she finally made, thank God.
indeed, i can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, AMEN.

this week has been a trip to the darkest valley, literally.
group and individual assignments due back to back and all are just as, if not, more demanding.

all of us are fatigued and overwhelmed by the stress thrown to us this week; at the end of the night we were all too worn out to even hang in for one more minute.

and when things around me gets the better of me coupled with the instability of my emotions, you seemed to be further away from me then ever.

why do you always have to barge into my heart, intruding into my thoughts and threatening my soul.

i went to grandma's house for dinner yesterday and she gave me bottles of bird's nest drink.
BIRD's NEST. I LOVE SEH. good for the complexion, healthy and boost your inner system somemore.

my grandma never fails to make me feel so loved and pampered.

i had already planned in my mind on what to blog but apparently all of it disintegrated into thin air. not to mention that i am really tired from the work.
maybe pam should go to bed now.

and maybe, you should stop barging into my heart.

2008-11-18T23:10:00.000-08:00

a journey through the hands of time...

this week has been tedious so far but manageable as compared to the previous one.

the previous week, i remembered, was uptight for both wani and i. simply because we had our field supervisor assessment, parents seminar, project meetings and what nots.

this week is supposed to be e-learning week and damn it, the lecturers REALLY MADE FULL USE of this e-learning week.

homework is piling up like mad cows, stacking themselves to the brim of our throats, threatening our lives.

week 7 is one helluva crazy week i am telling you. i am going to get cranky, crazy, dizzy and giddy from all the assignments and projects that are due on next week.

its too many to name; i am already hyperventilating at the mere thought of it.

presently i am preparing the script for one of my project modules. i feel like a freaking media student writing scripts, coming out with story lines, editing songs, acting out skits and writing a report.

despite that it is actually quite fun, only when done as a group. we will just go crazy and do stupid things.

_________________________________________________

i want to break free.

release me the way you would to a balloon.

2008-11-16T00:50:00.000-08:00

its been an eventful week for me. i've never had so many agenda in a week on different days before.

wednesday was field practicum assessment by my field supervisor. i thank God that all its over and i managed to go through it.

thursday was ice cream making, which apparently i failed to do so as i did not chill my milk enough

friday was the graduation concert at CGH childcare and i had to rush down immediately after school, forsaking my rehearsal for parent seminar. upon reaching the place, i was greeted by the children. when i went to put my bag in the office, i saw two heads popped out from the corner of my eye and there they were, emmanuel and elijah my two darlings..

i was so delighted to see them that i rushed over to hug them. they remembered me! gosh such euphoria is indescribable. :D

then i heard a voice from the crowd, i looked towards the direction of the voice and a head bobbed up, it was kieran another darling of mine. again, another moment of euphoria to behold.

the concert was great; thank God. :)

saturday was parents seminar and botanic gardens and finally, expo. you can imagine my exhaustion, literally.
my saturday begin as early as 6 plus in the morning and finally ended at 12 plus at night, i was too tired to even finish a dbl cheese burger.

needless to say, i skipped dinner that night.

currently engrossed in watching music videos on youtube. its back to the good 'ol days with classics hits from bsb, westlife, nsync, a1 and more.

God bless you :)
_____________________________________

if only you could speak to my heart the way you spoke to me.

2008-11-14T00:23:00.000-08:00

lovely array of colours that signifies the awakening of dawn, the warm comforting rays of the sun that celebrates the beginning of new journeys, unfolding of new chapters and unwinding of past memories...

the day conceives refreshing inspirations, wonderful creations; it births forth a leap of faith, renews the mind, purifies the heart and manifests the beauty...

penetrating rays greeted my soul with utmost comfort; acting like tranquilizers to my uptight state of mind. an attempt for a temporal relief to my torments, i must say.

when the mind's clouded and the thoughts enshrouded by the darkness in the crowd, one loses his touch to everything. he loses his body, his mind, his heart, his soul and ultimately........

his life.

daily, she battles with her alter ego. she wrestles with her emotions to the extent of losing her mind. her stoic expression is a shield to her brokenness; the aloofness conceals her desire to be loved..

pain and sorrows reflected in her eyes as she stares at the broken mirror..

and they say "tears are just the beginning..."

enjoy while it last.

__________________________________________________

you illuminate my life
just like fireworks in the night sky
you sweeten my thoughts
with your expressions and what nots
you make my heart itch
while you hold my heartstrings with a pitch

could you be the one.
when all i see is none.
will you still be true
when my skies are no longer blue
are you for real
or just someone who cant really feel
could you be, just like me
as confused as can be
will you stay if i ask you to
or leave me alone like you would always do

could you be the one my heart's looking for.

beautiful distraction, i embrace you with arms wide open.

2008-11-04T01:11:00.000-08:00

there she goes again, repeating her usual questions with her sudden outburst of concern, which i must say, is rather redundant with regards to the issue.

"aiyo 21 already still no boyfriend, how like that?" she shot that taboo question out of her mouth.

i looked at the concerned expression on her weary face; i understand where she is coming from.

"who is the one that asked you again this time round?" with a smile, i probed on, digging my own grave.

"my patients; we were talking about you and they were asking me if you are attached yet." she finally let it out.

"tell them im married with two children already then," i laughed.

and mummy was laughing too. she is always like that, the slightest comment from the people around regarding amanda or ME (apparently im of greater concern right now) will trigger her thoughts and stir her emotions each time without fail.

not that she want to but she just cant help it.

thats mummy for u. :)

________________________________________________

so last saturday i trooped all the way down to far west at NTU for filming. apparently i am helping deanna out in her media project as one of her performing cast.

sinting was involved too and his scene was to be shot before mine so we met and went to ntu together.

its been such a wonderful time meeting up with my beloved brother! i miss him so much.

we were shooting a film about gangsters. sinting's screen name is BLACK DOG, who is the second male lead in the film and A GANGSTER.

i play SHERRY, who is the younger sister of the big triad boss, girlfriend of the male lead TIMOTHY and the ex girlfriend of BLACK DOG.

so there i was waiting from 2 plus......

i wait...

waiting.......

still waiting..............

and waiting......................

and waited.................................

until finally they wrapped up sinting's gang fight scene!

at last, i feel like i could breathe once again.

my goodness i realised that shooting is not easy at all. firstly there is the setting up the equipment and i am talking about LIGHTS, CAMERA, SOUND AND MORE.

then come the gang fight scene where it was shot SO MANY FREAKING TIMES until i can memorise their lines. its damn long!

ALL BECAUSE SINTING AND THE REST KEEP NG-ING. MY BROTHER IS A JOKER CAN, EACH TIME HE FORGET HIS LINES HE LOOK AT THE CAMERA, DOES A FUNNY FACE AND LAUGH.

HE CRACKED EVERYONE ON THE SET UP. haha brother you kuku la.

and he keep doing stupid things to make me laugh when he is supposed to be filming!

he does it so much that when i was shooting my scene i almost wanted to laugh the moment i mentioned his screen name in my speech, because his funny expression will surface in my mind.

this being my virgin time in front of a camera, i was exposed to my first and ever "lights, camera rolling...... and ACTION!" i was nervous initially hence a little difficult for me to immerse in my role.

btw, if you have not already known, im supposed to play an ah lian who is supposed to manja to her boyfriend. MAMPOS THE ONLY GUYS I MANJA TO ARE MY BROTHERS (EX BFS NOT INCLUDED), NOW I MUST MANJA ON CAMERA.

this is where professionalism comes in; to know how to separate the thin line between reel and real life though i cant seem to see much difference in it.

so i acted according to my role and it was fun, not to mention the fact that i had a few NGs take and the director had to shout "CUT!" at me.

all of them were coaching me the acting techniques including my on screen bf (he is a another joker, no wonder he flow with sinting so much)

pictures:

when boredom creeps in...

dumb dumb face.

The Script!

what a sacrifice you've made brother. he wanted to dye my hair green too but was forbidden by the director not to do anything to me because i am the female lead. HAHA atas keper.

i'll do anything and everything to keep our relationship the way things are, even if it means breaking my heart and walking in tears.
thats how much i cherish you.

2008-10-29T23:45:00.000-07:00

ATTACHMENT today.

honestly speaking, it wasnt that bad.. not to mention that there are new faces present.

this new toddler, DAVAN is so adorable, lovable and huggable.
his eyes are big and he is just so babyish it makes me just want to hug him the minute i set my eyes on him.

nevertheless, he can be quite a handful to handle though. his level of exploration is so high he cannot stop doing things; the minute he stops he would go into the classroom and mess things up.

which is why i was upset with him today. i made him cry. i feel so bad.. but i have to. because he doesnt want to keep the things that he had taken out.

he cant talk yet; so he would cry. and even when he is crying he look so adorable.
frankly speaking my heart melted when i saw tears welling up in his big round eyes but i had to do what i did.

and God bless me, i am taking N2s now. whoever has taught N2s before will understand why i m reacting this way; they are a challenge, period

_______________________________________________

im hurt. im upset. by words spoken and actions potrayed.
listen to the things unspoken; they speak the loudest.

_______________________________________________

people who genuinely love you reminds you of how great life is, 'nuff said.

2008-10-28T00:09:00.000-07:00

"are you attached?"

"no."

"why?"

"why should i be?"

"oh well i thought, given your looks, you would have you know-.." his voice trailed off.

"i know what." i retorted with a bulk of defiance, musing about the fact that i am even entertaining this bugger here. the least i want to do is to plant a punch on his freaking face, or even a kick in between his legs.

silence was deafening yet stifling. here i am waiting for him to complete his sentence. i shot him a whats-your-problem look, daring him to complete what he want to say. there he was, "thinking" of ways to salvage his own skin.

"well, i could be your part time boyfriend if you want, i dont mind." he professed as a matter of factly.

"thats enough, you're crossing the line." i forced a smile despite my cringed inner self, trying to hide every bit of disgust. words concealed with a smile are the deadliest, in case you have not already known.

my life could do without losers like you, seriously.

respect me.
respect yourself.

_______________________________________________________

at the end of the day, its the people who love you that matters, not the ones who dont.
unfortunately, many of us failed to comprehend that.

we are caught in constant pursuit of things non-existent and unworthy
that sometimes, we failed to stop and take a reality check on the people around us.

we cling onto false hopes injected by people in our hearts, not knowing the emptiness of those hopes that we harboured so deeply.
until one day the truth hits like a hurricane, swallowing us into an abyss of despair and disappointment.
it wont be long before we were engulfed by our emotions, submerging us into a state of delirium.

amidst the chaos of life, we sometimes arent exactly in the sober state of mind.
hence the presence of mistakes, blunders and sometimes, even crimes.

ultimately, all we need is a sound mind and peaceful soul.

easy to understand yet difficult to achieve.

_______________________________________________________

i am getting over it, so if you could do me a favour, stop mentioning about it.
nothing will happen and nothing is going to happen.
disappointment, welcome to my life once again.

2008-10-22T13:47:00.000-07:00

the multiple meanings of daddy's "okay":

scenario 1

daddy buys me lunch and being the sweet daughter that i am of course i thanked him.

pam: Thank you daddy!
daddy: okay.

which means to say "welcome"

scenario 2

mummy is complaining to daddy about me and the things i do

daddy: okay.

which means to say "i know what you are driving at, i will talk to her later"

this is when i will wanna escape...............

scenario 3

me again, being the sweet and this time, filial daughter serving daddy.

pam: daddy you want this?

daddy: okay.

which means to say "yes please"

scenario 4

mummy is telling daddy about things he dont want to listen but she continues to drone on because she fail to notice the look of boredom on daddy's face.

daddy: okay. (with newspaper in front of his face)

which means to say "please stop it i am not getting any bit of this shit into my head"

there you have it, the man of "few" words with multiple meanings.

I AM COMPLETELY WELL PRAISE THE LORD FOR HIS HEALING! HALLELUJAH! THANK YOU JESUS!

MANY THANKS TO ALL THOSE WHO EXPRESSED THEIR CARE AND CONCERN, YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

THOSE WHOSE CARE ARE UNSPOKEN I THANK YOU TOO, you know me well seh i appreciate unspoken care and concern.

then again, care and concern are to be EXPRESSED UNLESS OTHERWISE STATED.

______________________________________________________

if only letting you in my heart could be that easy.

the pain of letting you go when i dont wish to is something you cant understand and neither something i can explain.

2008-10-20T00:32:00.000-07:00

alright so now the vomiting has ceased, now what.

now its the diarrhoea. NON STOP FLOW I AM TELLING YOU.

seriously, when will this living trauma end?
i feel plagued.
AS IF I AM NOT WEAK FROM ALL THE VOMITING,NOW I AM BECOMING WEAKER BECAUSE OF THE DIARRHOEA.

GOD SAVE ME PLEASE.

i lost count of the minerals and vitamins that i have purged out from the excessive vomiting and diarrhoeas.

no wonder i feel so weak.

mummy cooked dinner at home tonight, finally i hearts a family dinner.

both of my parents are BUSY LIKE TEN GAZILLION BEES merged together, FYI, we hardly have family time. even when i was sick, yes you hear me right.

both of them were busy working their asses off. speaking about career mindedness in me, i guess it runs in my family.

the GREAT, i should say AWESOME thing about busy parents at work constantly who hardly have time for their children is the fact that they GIVE MONEY WHENEVER I ASK.

probably because they couldnt spend time with me, so they just G-I-V-E.

therefore, i ASK, ASK, ASK. they GIVE, GIVE, GIVE. not just money but material stuff too at times.

have i ever told you i LOVED shopping with mummy? okay shant start on that.

NONETHELESS, the fact that my parents worked so much showed that they are not DUMB either and they keep up with current affairs (esp daddy, i always thought if he wasnt a police officer, he probably be a politician or someone majoring in political science judging from his undying love in WORLD politics, mind you.)

so i need to justify reasons for every amount of money i asked them, and given my daddy's nature he wont let things go easily. so much so that i felt working on my own is MUCH BETTER.

thank God that my parents are STILL family orientated people, i really thank God for that fact. this is where i have the faith that they will come back to me and amanda no matter what happens..

okay enough one more para and i am going to cry you a river.

im supposed to WHINE about my illness now why do i end up talking about my family?
wonders of being led by the Holy Spirit, AMEN =)

MR C is back from his trip! shall see you soon.

2008-10-18T12:45:00.000-07:00

gastric flu is killing me. i am suffering, literally.

i vomited almost everything i ate; my tummy churns like crazy, not to mention the burning fever that almost drove me berserk.

I AM SO UNCOMFORTABLE; i WANT TO CRY.

can someone save me please.

now i am scared to even eat for the fear of throwing up whatever i eat; and vomiting is not a comfortable and easy process for me.

i could vomit and end up in tears.

my parents are busy working so practically its left with my younger sister to look after me. and though she is not very experienced in this, i must commend that she is doing a good job. thank God for amanda.

and my parents who are busy working only know how to nag and nag at me on not taking care of myself.

mummy is the ultimate.

"you know you are going to be sick then you dont go out so late at night, and dont go crowded places la. you very weak one you dont know meh."

-___-"

firstly, how the hell do i know i am going to fall sick?

secondly, what does it mean by not going to crowded places? everywhere is crowded. then i might as well dont go school dont take public transport.

you get me a chauffeur to send me around la mummy.

PISSED.

obviously i dont have the energy to talk back so i just keep quiet and forever hold my peace.

FATHER, PLEASE HEAL ME COMPLETELY IN JESUS NAME, AMEN.

2008-10-14T00:47:00.000-07:00

go to the above link and read THE ENTRY DATED 12 OCT 08.

READ IT. THIS IS YET ANOTHER LOSER asking for sympathy after his broken relationship.

do remember to look out for his classic "explanation" and "sincere apologies" of not being able to fulfill the promises he made, the things that they agree to do together et cetera.

another person who is just as empty as the words he spoke and the promises he made and had to resort to emotional blackmail.

LOSER.
MAJOR LOSER.

blissfully shunning the responsibilities and putting the blame on his ex girlfriend,

you've got guts that people would despise upon, MISTER.

may you be at peace with yourself.

and if guilt strikes, feel free to destroy your life.
its worthless anyway.
not that anyone cares, seriously.

___________________________________

on a lighter note, i was on my way back in the train where i saw an army man asking this girlfriend to put a shawl over her dress because it was revealing too much.
and throughout the journey he was looking after her.

how thoughtful is that.

now this is what i call manliness.

a gentle side to his tough exterior and character. i like.

i saw MANY army men on my way back today. monday is book out day meh?!!!

this is so strange. when i am not looking forward to seeing any of them, they APPEAR TO BE EVERYWHERE AND ANYWHERE.

when i am excited to see one, NONE APPEARED. NONE. ZILCH. seems LIKE THEY ALL WENT INTO CAMP FOR CONFINEMENT LIKE THAT.

macabre. unexpected things never fail to happen to me.

i need to have an answer before i could propose an action. false hopes disappoints, destroys and eventually kills.
dont inject false hopes in me.

2008-10-13T00:41:00.000-07:00

PHOTOBUCKET SUCKS.

here i am trying to upload pictures of fireworks, and there it is, giving me problems during the loading of pages.

i need someone who can take my nonsense.
someone who can embrace my emotional state of mind.
someone who can tolerate my capricious being.
someone who can listen with a heart and not a mind.
a shoulder to cry on when the days get too tough.
a chest to lie on whenever i get weary.
someone who understands me more than i do.

i need a guardian angel.
I NEED A GUARDIAN ANGEL.

and now, where is my angel.....

"angels exist only in Heaven," sorry, i got carried away.

the happiness in her life beams and shines like the flames of the fireworks.
bright, vibrant yet ephemeral and short.
beneath those smiles conceals a broken soul and a million truths awaiting to be discover..

some things are better left that way, the fear is creeping up on her.

can someone remind her that she is searching blindly for someone that never exists. or better yet, knock her unconscious, reality is too harsh on her.

2008-10-12T01:15:00.000-07:00

i've got good news and bad news for myself, but i thought i'll share them with you people.

good news: KENNETH WEE gained weight and its visible weight gain upon looking at the his photos clearly.

bad news: he still look HOT despite the extra pounds.

DAMN IT.

oh and in case you are wondering where i manage to look at those pictures, just go to his facebook. i always share my men, as usual. nothing to conceal.

besides, mr wee is so last season and last summer.
nonetheless, his eyes NEVER, i repeat, NEVER fail to mesmerise me whenever i look at his pictures.

the new semester is commencing on monday. my gosh can someone just cry for me, because i feel like my time flies faster than a cheetah on the run.

i think i miss you, mr wee.

SHIT.

2008-10-06T23:23:00.000-07:00

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And its sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough

suddenly i miss you, if you are able to hear this, do let me know.
maybe someday, our paths may cross.

i wonder when.

2008-10-05T22:28:00.000-07:00

i was at haji lane this afternoon to collect the items i bought online. so there i was, dedicating all my heart and soul in window shopping. the thing about shopping alone is the fact that you are more observant towards your surroundings and you tend to notice the people around you a notch more.

scenario 1:

then came a couple from korea.

the moment the guy stepped into the shop, he plopped himself on the sofa conveniently and close his eyes. his girlfriend, however, went on to explore the shop and browse through the items in the shop. she say something she like and she was asking for his opinions in korean.

despite knowing zilch about the language i could tell that he was bored by his body language, the tone he answered her and the look in his eyes.

the lady just rattled on, continued her droning and in the end managed to buy some items. by then, the guy was already preparing to leave, even before the lady managed to complete her transaction.

scenario 2:

at the same shop, a married couple with a child came in. the wife was carrying the little girl as she was fast asleep. she was browsing around and so the husband offered to carry their daughter instead. his eyes was darting around the place aimlessly and again he looked bored.

wife(holding up a colourful top): dear, is this nice?

husband(ignoring his wife)

wife(still holding onto the top): will i look nice in it?

husband(looking elsewhere but at his wife, still did not listen to her questions)

wife: DEAR, i am asking you if this top is nice and do you think i will look nice in it?

she sounded very inpatient and a little pissed.

husband(FINALLY NOTICES HIS WIFE): oh yeah, nice nice.

he nodded obligingly.

the wife proceeded to the counter, paid for the top and left.

i could sense that she was not a happy shopper. NOT AT ALL.

poor lady.

scenario 3:

in another shop, another couple saga again.

however this time round, the guy was more overboard; he was reading a book inside the boutique while his gf was trying on the heels.

POWERS RIGHT.

so she was trying on a pair of black and red heels with the same design, and she keep asking the same question : "WHICH COLOUR LOOK BETTER ON ME?"

initially she wanted red, and her bf say red was nicer.
then the sales girl mentioned that the black one was easier to match with outfits.

so she ask him AGAIN: "so which should i get? which one is better?"

bf: how much is it?

LOL I was laughing. judging from the way he ask and the tone of his voice, she seemed to be using his money to purchase the heels.

gf: i think its around 80 plus before discount

bf(he finally put on his book and look at her heels): black would be better on second thoughts, the red colour is too loud.

gf: okay then i will take the black one, thank you.

FINALLY SHE DECIDED ON WHICH COLOUR SHE WANTED, but only after her bf confirmed it.

GOODNESS.

what is wrong with men.

IS SHOPPING REALLY SUCH A BORE THAT YOU HAVE TO WEAR THAT I-DONT-KNOW-WHY-I-AM-DOING-HERE-SO-JUST-KILL-ME EXPRESSION THE MOMENT YOU STEP INTO BOUTIQUES.

RULE NUMBER ONE: LADIES, ALWAYS SHOP WITH YOUR GIRLFRIENDS (THEIR OPINIONS ARE FOREVER BETTER AND MUCH SINCERE)

RULE NUMBER TWO: LEAVE YOUR GUY, YOUR CHILDREN(IF YOU HAVE) AT HOME OR SOMEWHERE THEY CAN FEEL ALIVE IN AND SHOP TILL YOU DROP, USING HIS SUP CARD OF COURSE.

RULE NUMBER THREE: MAKE MORE METROSEXUAL FRIENDS OR GET A METRO BF OR HUSBAND, IF YOU WISH.

last but not least, the most important rule: NEVER LET A GUY RUIN YOUR MOOD FOR SHOPPING, I REPEAT, NEVER.

LABELS LAST, MEN DONT.
APPARELS NEVER BREAK OUR HEART, MEN ALWAYS DO.

nonetheless, to all the men/boys, especially my brothers, i still love you loads.
you just got to agree with me that all of you are heartbreakers.

2008-10-01T23:08:00.000-07:00

I GOT INTO A FIGHT.

which resulted in a bruised vein and a swollen right wrist.

my whole body is aching real bad now, thanks to the struggling and the retaliating.

my injuries hurt real bad, i was holding back my tears when mummy applied the ointment for me. i am improving at the level of my suppression.

and now i am going to make a bimbotic statement: thank God my face was unscathed and untouched.

thats all i am going to mention about the fight, i am not going into any more details.
my lips are sealed tightly. please dont probe; i appreciate your unspoken concern and care.

and i dont see any fun in making a joke about this. so to the insensitive and tactless souls out there, if you want to joke about this, think twice.

i've already gotten into a fight; i dont mind beating you up if you're asking for it.

all i can say is such things happen when the peace in our hearts are disturbed and negative emotions ran amok, seizing our souls and clouding our minds, resulting in acts of violence.

_____________________________________________

amanda threw my camera usb port away. YES SHE THREW AWAY. unintentionally of course.
all i could say is that sister of mine is really blur and even blur-er than the largest sotong you can find in the ocean.

i was so uptight that i made a scene when i realised amanda threw the usb port away. mummy's nagging wasnt helping and i cried.

so i passed my debit card to amanda for her to use to buy the new usb port, but mummy volunteered to pay. i refused, but she insisted. and my father made a classic remark:

pam(sobbing in tears): use this to pay for the usb port tommorrow amanda.

mummy: take back your card, i will give her cash.

pam: tsk. let me pay.

mummy: i pay.

at this time we were shoving my debit card to and fro.

daddy: if either of you dont want, give me the card. i would gladly accept.

then we laughed. and the atmosphere was lighten instantly. my dad is a joker, seriously.

and he spoke to me using his indoor voice, ITS BEEN AWHILE HEARING DADDY'S VOICE LEVEL AT SUCH LOW DECIBEL. VERY SOOTHING. because i was crying and his heart was softened, hence the gentleness in his voice.

now that i think of it, i feel so tickled. my stoic, strict and stern dad who always wear a rock-hard expression on his face actually has a HEART. SO FATHERLY....

BUT ONLY WHEN I CRY. -________________________-'''''''

maybe i should cry more.

i was hiding my injuries from him because once he notices it, i could never escape from him. knowing his character and given the nature of his job, he will get to the bottom of it.

with regards to the above "mishap", i couldnt upload the pictures from the camera to the laptop, hence no pictures here. stay tuned.

now, back to nursing my injuries.

2008-09-24T22:49:00.000-07:00

SOME PEOPLE JUST NEED TO BE MORE POLITE, regardless of who you are and what you do.

i was invited to timbre's anniversary VIP party yesterday. The feeling of being back there was great. to be able to see those familiar faces and receive those friendly hugs were not too bad either.

the quality of the food at timbre has improved tremendously with the revised menu. AND I LOVE THE BBQ CHICKEN WRAP.

that place brings back memories of the past when i working at timbre with maxine, lijun and alot more. i love those days, albeit tiring and at times a little tough.

i miss irene my beloved da jie, danny and edward my crazy bosses and JACK AND RAI.

I MISS THOSE LIVE BAND SESSIONS.

snippets of my past flashed past, piece by piece, part by part the moment i began to walk to timbre from city hall station.
for a moment, it dawned upon me that it may not be back thing either to revert back to my past to live in it. simply because i am sick of the present and such feelings murder the excitement of the future.

nonetheless, the night was fun with max, nes, val and nes' friend.

nights out with them are never boring. :D

just the other day, i went to dragonfly bar at st james with the jc girls. we were to support charlene's boyfriend's band.

and the other guitarist is CUTE OKAY. (pardon my colloquial way of saying)

dragonfly plays cantopop and mandarin songs; i have decided to bring daddy there one day because it suits his age and he NEEDS A LIFE anyway.

so daddy, prepare yourself for a rock'n good time!
_______________________________________________

she takes a step into the room
only to find the walls nearing and lights blinding
she finds herself suffocating amidst the stale air
the stench of her past kept lingering around her
crushed by the excruciating pain of the aftermath

she forsakes herself at the expense of her soul
void of all feelings, she feels like an empty shell
barren and naked
worthless and forsaken
energy drained by a stampede of daily hectic events
tormenting her emotional mind and upsetting her physical being
she looks to herself in the mirror..

all she could see was blood shot eyes and chapped lips.
listless stares greeted her from the mirror.
she wished it was a hallucination, that all of these was downright nightmares that have yet to be awaken from.

creeping behind her back, it breathes down her neck like a vampire's prey
it hisses into the silence of the night, shattering every dreams and visions that she possesses
the monster was deadly; it never cease to destroy.
it haunted her present by playing flash backs of her past across her mind
it harnesses her hurts, anger,bitterness and concoct it into a lethal state of being waiting to be exploded anytime like a ticking nuclear bomb.

her soul seek solace in these demonic forces.
she pledged allegiance to this creeping horror.
no one understands her more than these "beings"
never before had she felt so wanted in her life.

they feed on her blood; luring her into believing that seeing red is the way to handle her emotions.
the more she bled, the more filthy she felt.
no amount of blood could wash her clean; no amount of scars could alleviate her sorrows

scars were there for life, blood shed was meant to die.

staring at the bloodied knife in her right hand, she relish at the sight of the thick gush of crimson red.

nonchalant, she watched the blood drain as the night gave way to the morning sun..

another day has just begun.

_________________________________________________

finally the inspiration for another story has resurfaced.

its been awhile, my dear friend.

welcome back, good old pam.

2008-09-18T00:37:00.000-07:00

i reckon that i should extinguish the laziness in me and resume my daily entries, before people misunderstand me for being too overwhelmed by my previous entry that i cant blog.

which, i must rectify, am not.

on a clearer and calmer point of view, some people are just not worth my time getting upset over and certainly not worth my effort of being disappointed in either.

nevertheless, i need to be true to my emotions and face my feelings directly instead of the suppression that arises whenever i feel that i might have overreacted.

prolong suppression will lead to sudden death, if you dont believe you can try.

they will say what they want to say and behave the way they deem fit.

much loves to the people who ask about it after reading, you know who you are.

the greatest irony is the nonchalance of the people involved in it; not even a word they breathe about it. is that pure ignorance or plain stupidity?

and did i mention that the above two are just a thin line apart? alright i just did.

work hasnt been a bed of roses lately, with someone being against me indirectly or directly. nonetheless, i call upon the name of Jesus and His protection. if my God is for me who can be against me? AMEN.

shopping beckons and pammie is getting ready for the battle of the malls:

handbag? check.
cash? check.
atm card? check.
vouchers? check.
a pair of comfortable heels? check.
new wardrobe space created to usher in the new sets? check.

now the mission that is almost impossible: making sure that the mother doesnt nag after the shopping is done.
she never fails to do that; which is one of the things that irk me the most.

come between me and my shopping and thats it. this is a point to be noted down by my future man.

i work hard, play hard and shop hard.

_____________________________________________________

the whole family was watching a variety show that feature the makeovers in married couples.

mummy: wa darling just look at the features of this lady, she is not pretty but still she is married. why are you still unattached?

pam: -____________________-" whats your problem mummy. you want to fight isit. ask me this kind of question and compare me with other people. stop insulting me eh, stop it eh.

she said it so loudly in front of my father who pretends to read the newspaper. try a better pretense next time daddy, i am not stupid.

mummy: i am not insulting you silly girl, i am just stating the truth.. maybe you are too choosy maybe your expectations a little bit---

pam: enough okay mummy, I GET YOUR POINT. talk somemore i run away from home i tell you.

mummy (laughs): dont keep choosing, you might miss it when you get there.

now daddy is chuckling to himself. my gosh my parents are so annoying they are teasing me and laughing at me.

pam:( seek solace in the room )

whats wrong with being single. even my grandma came out with MY wedding guest list WAY BEFORE i even got a boyfriend, let alone a life partner.

and when i told them i dont wish to be married, ALL of them protest like i am running a campaign for the opposition party.

its hilarious just to sit by and watch their reactions and the advices they gave me. which gives me neverending chances to tease them back and "frighten" them with my anti marriage and family stand.

i miss my brothers. SINTING ZHIWEI HAZZELY WHERE HAVE YOU GUYS BEEN. i miss all of you to bits and pieces.

2008-09-13T02:50:00.000-07:00

covered with cobwebs and smelling like the carcass of a dead animal which has been dead for a few weeks, this stench of this blog is starting to fog up my senses, sending out alerting signals for neglecting it for the past week or weeks even.

so here i am right now to revive it with the latest happening in my life.

work has been great so far, with me being as busy as ever, doing more than one task at a time. i believe that is also known as multi tasking. hey i can actually multi task, maybe its only when i am not smsing and talking at the same time.

children are wonderful albeit mischievous, never fail to test my patience and make me upset. nonetheless, i couldnt be "angry" with them for long; it wont last more than 5 mins.

and so we had a surprise bday celebration which is not so surprising at all, judging from the response we recieved.

it wasnt much to say though except for the fact that i was talked back to when i raised an honest statement. and i wonder why sometimes things can be so unfair.

the mood wasnt exactly there; only a few of us trying to lighten it when the dead silence crept in amidst the clamour of the place.

the dead silence was the aftermath of a change in the facial expression; which is a rather obvious signal that we should stop what we were doing because the person involved wasnt happy at all.

disappointment, feelings of un-appreciation, efforts wasted, thats all i can say.

and i am very offended by that particular statement that i was talked back to.

it says a lot, trust me.

i want to know what was going through the person's mind when the person was making that particular statement.

of course i dont expect you to remember what you have said because you would choose to forget or you could say something else. whatever alright, excuses disguised in reasons aplenty.

being tired doesnt give me an excuse or reason to feel so.. i cant find the appropriate to describe.

i am just reminding myself.

i am tired; maybe a night rest would ease my uptight feelings.

if only.

2008-09-02T00:45:00.000-07:00

it was a date at the RSAF OH with shan yesterday! sad to say, it was a disappointment for the both of us.

expectations werent met at all, seriously. only the aircrafts caught our attention and only the aircrafts could sustain our excitement.

the highlight, to me, was probably the fact that i manage to see the BLACK KNIGHT PLANE. it was GIGANTIC, even its wheel are up to the level of my knee. my gosh how HUGE is that.

the black knight left me in complete awe the moment i set my eyes upon it as we entered the main arena of the open house site. standing there were the pilots (whoohoo they looked so COOL in that black uniform)

prince charming no longer exists only in white.

and who else but number 5 black knight pilot caught our eye. he is none other than zoe tay's husband, philip chionh.

somehow i want to call him philip and not label him as "zoe tay's husband". its closer to heart this way. =)
our queen of caldecott has soaring expectations i must say, judging from the standards of her husband.

he is TALL, at LEAST 1.8m. for once i do not consider him as someone who is hot but rather someone with charisma. he speaks with an air of professionalism that exudes much confidence and manliness.

i was THIS CLOSE to falling head over heels with him until my senses have to jerk me out of the mini reverie by reminding me at the back of my head that he is taken.

nonetheless, i loved the planes more than the pilots. I MEAN IT.

F-16s were the next sexay thang beside the black knight. the pilots beside the planes were OKAY only, AVERAGE. NOT PBANG. need i elaborate further.

i was scanning the area for nibangs but there seemed to none. i was baffled because nibangs are commonly found everywhere and anywhere but somehow i cant even spot a single one in the open house.. then i realised a similarity amongst all the pilots.

they are of a certain body frame because they had to fit into the narrow space of the planes. LAHAI. NO WONDER NO NIBANGS.
and fyi, the pilot's seat is really compact and narrow.

and i noticed some of the pilots are FAIR. i dont like at all, i like my men tanned. fair skin tone should never exist in a man's dictionary.

alright, i need to comment about the guys who are in the NO.4 uniform at the OH.
ALL GONE.
POSTURE FAIL.
FACE FAIL.
BODY FAIL.
STYLE FAIL.

they look so slack in the uniform it seems like they dont even respect it, unlike the saf land people.

nevertheless, our moods were not dampen by the rain and the boredom that we had occasionally at the OH. quality time was spent with shan by discussing about pragmatic and rather serious stuff, i would like to say.

and shan's words really made me consider about certain things. love you babe.

at dinner time:

mummy: how was the open house? got see your handsome guys anot?

pam: NO. fail one. cannot make it. MUMMY I AM VERY SAD.

mummy laughed and continued eating. somehow, mummy seemed to know what was going to happen.

a toast to better days ahead. you can do it pam. be strong. have faith.

2008-08-29T23:58:00.000-07:00

its been awhile....

mummy: pam you know ah

pam: mmm.. ( i was busy using my lappy )

mummy: i have this patient of mine who used to be in the air force and he is really very handsome looking but today when i saw him he looked like a monkey.

pam: is it. why monkey?

mummy: he lost so much weight, became so haggard with sunken cheeks and bluging eyes..

pam (a look of extreme concern on my face): AIYO.. you know why anot mummy..

mummy: why why? (she anxious)

pam: because he didnt meet me what, thats why become like that..

mummy: crazy girl meet you worse. if he meet you i die first. he such a useless man, how can i entrust you to him..

mummy: he was a playboy okay let me tell you.

pam: aiya you always say people playboy one la.

mummy: im serious darling, these kind of air force navy mostly playboy one.

pam: ah mummy you dont start i tell you.

mummy: also dont know why you fancy saf men, guys in business suit not good meh.

pam: NOT GOOD LA. business suit very attractive meh. every thing cover also cant see the body properly. and it DONT bring out the MANLY look.

mummy: aiyo why my daughter like that.

pam: maybe daddy last time also uniform man, so it runs in the blood MOTHER. stop it eh.

mummy(pregnant pause), and i was smiling to myself. for once i am winning the "battle".

mummy: good night i go sleep.

pam(chuckles): night mummy, love you. and my army men. HAHA.
___________________________________________________

my mummy is very random; she is so adorable.

i am still unable to figure out why she cant seem to prefer saf men to other occupations.

this entire week has been work, work and more work.

the thing about working at a childcare centre is that everyday is unpredictable because the children are never the same for two days.

behaviours differs and moods swing, temperaments are irregular too. thus you see, i could spend an typical day dealing with unexpected issues amongst the children.

AND THAT IS NEVER EASY i am telling you. its mentally draining physically tiring.

nonetheless, i love the children. i love them and i am trying my very best to love those who are difficult to love. its not easy, for i am only human.

i love their hugs, their kisses, their smiles, their laughter, their waves and the expression they had on their face whenever they start to get excited about the things they told me.

oh and working in a government hospital means being able to see civil servants(read: SAF MEN IN UNIFORM) walking around in the hospital.

whoohoo i tell you, what a pleasant distraction. but some of them face failed like dont know what. i better dont start.

and i have yet to spot a pbang doctor, if you know what i mean.

my nose is blocked and i cant taste my food properly. i cant even detect the smell of poo when my toddlers pooed in their pull ups.

my nose is officially dead, someone revive it for me.

2008-08-27T23:43:00.000-07:00

currently i am so upset and miffed because i heard about some news about my tinky winky guard poh.

apparently, his eyes are cocked real bad. and i shall not broadcast it here.

only shan, zah and rah knows my pain. OUCH MANS I TELL YOU.

the PAIN IS SO REAL SO INSULTING AND SO DISAPPOINTING.

seriously life is so unfair at times.

especially when you know it could have been you.

i am SADDEN. HEARTBROKEN. at the fact that i actually lost out to someone who is a GAZILLION TIMES WORSE THAN ME, literally.

i could have been the one watching the fireworks with you, tinky winky poh.

and darling, you do not know what you are missing out. seriously.

to quote what zee say, "you are already in shit and waiting to scoop it up"

its alright pammie. tomorrow is a brand new day.

probably the children will be able to brighten up my day with their smiles and at night its my outing with my d clan girls, a bunch of lovelies that never fail to make me feel good.

OKAY NO MOOD TO BLOG.
INSPIRATION GONE.
THE LADY IS RECUPERATING.

2008-08-25T22:43:00.000-07:00

NDP'08 might be over, BUT it never hurt to see these sexy machines again,
ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY WERE FLYING AT MY HOUSE TODAY!!!!!!!

OH MY GOSH I STILL CANT BELIEVE I SAW THE BLACK KNIGHTS FLYING AROUND MY HOUSE AREA!!! it then dawned upon me that paya lebar air base isnt that far from my house and those sexy hot machines were practising for RSAF OH this sat and sun.

COOL OR WHAT!!! they were not flying at full speed so it was not as deafening as that in NDP but the sounds produced by the black knights are nonetheless unique and distinguishable.

AND MY FATHER SAY THEY WERE MAKING SO MUCH NOISE. SEE, TOLD YOU HE GOT NO LIFE.
he insulted my darling black knights and crushed my excitement the way i crushed an ant.

this is the FIRST time ever i felt the euphoria of staying here i tell you. i never love to stay where i was staying so much.

maybe next time round, WE CAN SHIFT OUR HOUSE TO UPPER EAST COAST ROAD, THE ONE NEARER TO THE GUARDS BATTALION CAMP, okay mummy daddy.

for the sake of your daughter's future, do me a favour and i will cease to bug you ever. trust me.

never mind about the fact that i was awaken by the sound of the black knights, never mind about the fact that daddy was complaining about the "noise" they make, they are the BLACK KNIGHTS I SAW TODAY!!!!

that alone is enough to make me happy. imma low maintenance girl. :D

yesterday was family day at daddy's company. we had a sponsored ride on the spore flyer, and boy it was breath taking.

our moods were not dampen by the heavy rain though we were a little disappointed as we couldnt obtain a clear view and perspective in the flyer.
the pouring rain clouded our vision and raindrops were hitting freely onto the glass panels of the flyer capsule.

nevertheless, we managed to catch a glimpse of the other end of the world when we reached the peak of the flyer. and i mean the other end of the world, literally.

we had a flight compass that tells us where we were facing at each rotation. and if the weather was bright and clear enough, it was stated that we would be able to spot london and australia! now can you imagine how high up we were?

ive got the pictures to show. despite the heavy rain, i made the best out of the worst and took as many shots as i could. shall upload it soon.

as for now, its turning in early and preparing for the day with my children at the centre.

cant wait till i see them again, love them more than i would love my future boyfriend.

i miss olympics! :( four years is a long wait.... considering the fact that i hate waiting.

2008-08-21T21:46:00.000-07:00

probably going to be gone after the Olympics but he will always be remembered for being the Olympian of the year, breaking past world records and setting new ones.

and who could ever forget the split second win for the gold medal during the 100m butterfly event!

an absolute phenomenon, the swimming legend: MICHEAL PHELPS

he shot to fame within days during the Olympics and before you know it, Phelps has become a household name with everyone celebrating his medals and overnight fame.

i cant stop thinking about him right now, especially when the Olympics is still in process. i am having the phelps fever; i cant seem to get enough of him.
because he SO REMINDS ME OF KENNETH WEE. thats part of the reason, actually.

micheal, you may not be here with me, but i love you from the deepest of my beating heart.

______________________________________

having touched on the topic of guys, allow me to share the MAJOR peeve about guys.

the ONE trait i CAN NEVER EVER TOLERATE about guys is none other than INDECISIVENESS.

i repeat, INDECISIVENESS.
again, its INDECISIVENESS.

now you hear me loud and clear, sound and right.

unless you KNOW the place we are going,
unless you DECIDE on the activity we are going to do,
unless you DECIDE on the food that we will be having,
unless you HAVE PLENTY OF IDEAS when faced with questions,
unless you are WILLING to PLAN the things we are going to do on a date,

DONT, I REPEAT, DONT EVER ASK ME OUT.

dont ask me to choose; i dont want to.
dont ask me to make decisions; i hate wearing the pants, not that i cant.

i am sick of waiting for answers, sick of waiting for replies to the endless questions i posed, sick of being the one who decide where to go what to eat what to do.

i am SO SICK. i CANNOT CANT NEVER TOLERATE indecisiveness in a man.

indecisiveness is akin to a silent demon slowly paving its way to a million and one destructions in the road to come.

for ladies just imagine if your future boyfriend is indecisive towards marrying you or even settling down, now how would you feel.

in conclusion, indecisiveness in a man (doesnt mean women are spared, just that we have the priviledge of not being the one who call the shots at times) is a HUGE MAJOR VICE.

okay now that i have finally let it out, i am feeling so much better.
pent up feelings kill, in case you have not already know.

_______________________________________

melancholic soul.

when i had to struggle with the urge to contact you with whatever i could,
i know that deep down inside, you are still very much a part of me.

the butterflies feelings in my stomach when we were together, i realised it hadnt been erased off my mind just as yet.
not now, not today and definitely not tomorrow.

when the melody of a random song struck the chords of my heartstrings
when the lyrics of a specific song brought upon remembrance of the words you once spoke
when everything around me seem to be a constant reminder of your simple yet intrinsic details
when i couldnt rationalize the sudden thought of you bursting incessantly into my mind, disrupting all of my thoughts and turning my mind into a mental whirlpool of you,you and more you.
when i failed to ignore the impending and throbbing pain for my heart with each beat

thats when i MISS you

when i couldnt resist the urge to take a pen to write
when i couldnt put to an end my flooding inspirations gushing out of my mind
when i had to forbid myself from wanting to hear your voice oh so badly
when i had to protect my mind from those exaggerated and unrealistic perspectives of a reconciliation that inflicted an injurious effect on my already wounded soul

thats when i NEED you

when the hurt from the heart came prior to the tears
when the sight of crimson red flow before the manifestation
when i need a shoulder to lie on
when i want someone to lean on so terribly
when the thought of your embrace calms my distraught being
when the reminisce of your kiss breathes life into these dry and parched bones of mine

thats when i FEEL you

when the neverending fights begin to jeopardise the communication we had
when the dead and awkward silence gets the better of our late night conversations
when the response to "i love you baby" was merely a one word reply.
when lies and deception became your shield against your unfaithfulness to me
when the life in you extinguishes like a dying flame
when constant reassurance was your tool to pacify me each time i sensed a problem between us
when you brazenly lied and put up a false pretense of your love for me
when your words murdered me instantly
when your gestures, actions and words hurt me like never before
when i finally awaken to my senses and realise that all is over......

thats when i HATE you.

and these are feelings inscribed on tablets of stone.

may your soul burn forever in hell.

rest in peace.

2008-08-19T03:59:00.000-07:00

finally the cool of the night arrived, giving way to the emotions that are accompanied with it.

its a time when worries can be rested
a time when brokeness can be reconciled once again
a time when staying calm is not an undefeatable task
a time when thoughts are straightened out
a time when emotions are held at bay, prevented from manifesting

______________________________________

mummy: amanda's guy friend send her back, i caught them. (laughes)
pam: is it? (looks at amanda)

mummy: faster go get a boyfriend la.
pam: who?
mummy: YOU LA who else, get a guy who can send you home everyday.
pam: you find for me la, you think so easy is it.
mummy: only for YOU difficult what.

pam: anyway mummy i got legs i can carry myself back home in one piece okay and i can take transport. i dont need anyone to send me back. -_________________-""""

WAH SEH THATS SO RANDOM MUMMY. YOU STOP IT EH.

embrace the upcoming holidays with arms wide open as you bid goodbye the first semester of year two! the feeling is awesome.

dle paper was MUCH better you know that. ( my mind can even wander off while doing the paper, HAHA. )
IF ONLY ITBD PAPER WAS SIMILAR TO THE STANDARD OF DLE PAPER.

i am so depressed the swimming events in olympics are over. just like that.

no more MICHEAL PHELPS.

the moment i set my eyes on him , i got reminded of kenneth wee. and i am not the only who thinks like that. (thanks zizi for always flowing with me, LOVES)

so watching him competing in those events gives me a sense of familiarity somehow. its like watching my darling competing, and not to mention that micheal's BODY IS WHOA WOW WEE.

speedo does wonders to the body of swimmers.

aunt daisy: wa that micheal phelps is good right?
pam: precisely! and he got 8 golds! how old is he?

aunt daisy: 23 years, unmarried
pam: 23 years old and a millionaire whats not to love...

pam: mummy buy me a ticket to beijing NOW. i am taking the morning flight tomorrow.

mummy: (shocked) for what?
pam: i am off to look for my own happiness and to bring your son in law back to you.

mummy: ENOUGH. and she rolled her eyes at me.

__________________________________________

another convo between me and mummy,
we are watching a show and the lead is gulping down some beer.

pam: ma, i dont understand how some people can drink so many bottles of beer lei. one bottle is enough to make me vomit.

mummy (looks at me in disbelief): aiyo you so lousy in your drinking!

WA SHE THINK I DRINKER ISIT.

pam: i drink other liquors and wine one can, i just dont like the taste of beer cuz of its bitterness. next time we go drink together la mummy i can bring you go.

mummy: dont want la later your father make noise.

pam: ask him go also then, he needs a life anyway. i can get him one, anytime.

mummy: (laughs)

_____________________________________________

and it shall be
just like you and me
walking the different paths of life
towards opposite goals

i cant seem to see you at the crossroads
i cant seem to find you anywhere
despite your footprints everywhere
my heart was heavier than it ever should be
denying that you would ever leave me

thats when i knew i lost you
though my heart never cease to search for thee

2008-08-16T19:05:00.000-07:00

happy birthday my dearest ying. her birthday falls on 12 aug. SUPER BELATED yes i know. dont need to remind me.

i've lost count of the number of 21st parties i've attended, ranging from chalets to clubs to pubs to resorts to houses to country clubs.

the party was held at orchid country club, its all the way in and very inaccessible without a car. nevertheless, the ambience was great with the awesome company of jc peeps.

catching ups are always fun and greatly missed.

take it away:

she loves 'em:

tricia :)

as we go on,

we remember..

all the times we had together..

deanna was hiding behind because she says her face looked big.

i look so fair next to them; i like. and hazzely, you are being missed.

i hearts you many many dan dan & timomo

goodness i didnt know zhiwei is THAT tall, i was on wedges and stil at the height of his shoulders only.

here is it, evidence that guys NEVER fail to glue themselves to live soccer match no matter where they are and whatever the occasion may be.

i miss her, 'nuff said.

photo of the night, the golden couple

lovely.

2008-08-16T04:04:00.000-07:00

i missed the good old us, seriously.

attended agnes' belated birthday party at downtown east chalet earlier on and FINALLY seen jeremy koh teck ming after what seemed like a few millions years.

a mini gathering amongst sec sch friends, i should say.
and max told me about her canadian guy, she never fails to get guys from all around the world.

right max? update me more alright babe!

the night ended with rayner giving me a lift home.......

(the moment we stepped into the car)

pam: still remember how to go to my house from last time?
rayner: errr..( thats his signature response) dont think so.. how long has it been already...

pam: never count.

the convo continues...

rayner: i scared shao xuan lead me to the wrong route.
pam: where you going?
r: PIE
p: why dont you ask me?
r: YOU KNOW MEH. (still as chauvinistic as before, ask me things only will die.)

p: (ignoring his previous words)anyway, spore very small one wont get lost dont worry got road signs to read

r: ya, waste petrol only (and how could i forget his money mindedness.)

we rattled on about mundane things and i asked him about his army days.
i just realised he took part in 2006 NDP as supporting contingent only...

if he GOH i faint already i tell you.
thats so not rayner.

moving on.. to our convo..

r: i learnt my driving at ubi
p: NEVER CALL ME after ur lessons, can go out.
r: i was driving.
p: i mean after driving right.
r: i was tired after that, i need to go back home early..

p: what other reasons or excuses you want to add?

and he smiled sheepishly. i recognise that reaction; thats the smile he always give when he is running out of excuses.

finally we were reaching my house....

rayner: wa i tell you this place i still remember last time i send you home its so troublesome for me you know...

pam: actually our houses are not that far what, i dont understand why you always complain-

rayner: YES IT IS LO. you know i got to take a bus to eunos then train to paya lebar then from paya lebar take a bus back to my house again..
(he droned on and on.. )

pam: but i was your girlfriend that time, you shouldnt be complaining.

rayner: i complain now what, not last time...

CLASSIC EXAMPLE OF A TYPICAL GUY. AFTER BREAKUP EVERYTHING COMES OUT LIKE RUBBISH FROM A RUBBISH TRUCK.

and he laughed again. stupid guy. i dont think i should label him as a boy anymore, he has matured much since last time.

pam: you dont lie, you have been complaining since last time alright i remember every single word you say.

rayner: you dont nonsense, what talking you. i dont remember saying it la

pam: of course la, since when you guys remember the words you say to us. guys always say and forget. i remember

rayner: what i say?

pam: you say.. you say.. ( i am beginning to doubt my memory skills) you complain la what else you say its very far very troublesome blah blah..

pam: i didnt ask you to send me back that time, you did it yourself...

rayner: (laughed out loud) NO YOU DIDNT SAY THAT.

pam: shuddup.

by this time we were both laughing.

pam: anyway you send me home only twice, as far as i could remember.

rayner: you dont nonsense again, its more that twice, its countless.

finally he reached my place, the conversation ended one too abruptly i guess.

"take care ah" was the last thing he said to me before he drove off.

until today i wondered why i even liked him in the past. not that he is bad, please dont get me wrong, he is a wonderful guy.
i just cant understand what attracted me to him.

finally i understood that it was his personality. beneath his money mindedness, his never ending complains, and whatever vices that i have forgotten about at this moment, he has a good heart.

he has the qualities of a pammie's man. SOME i should say. his candidness, his security, his sense of individuality are some of them.

sad to say, he bores me. perhaps its him or the things he does or the words he speak. but he cant seem to give me the excitement i am looking for.

maybe thats why it ended.

or perhaps ive come to a point where i could no longer look into a person's heart and convince myself that whatever i see is the truth.

maybe i have unconsciously become superficial because there are none with a real heart.

nonetheless, i love the friendship we shared now.
the way i could speak my mind directly to him.
the way we could talk about our relationship seriously or jokingly depending on what mode we want.

i loved him and i still do now, as a friend of course.

he is someone special to me and will always be..

maybe, things would change, in a couple of years. we never know.

2008-08-10T16:22:00.000-07:00

grandma's back at home! i couldnt be more thankful more relieved more secured to know that she is resting at home safely and soundly.

God is so good, Hallelujiah! :D

yesterday was NDP and its the LAST FINAL SHOW.

NO MORE ARMY MEN
NO MORE WALKING AROUND A PLACE FILLED WITH UNIFORMED MEN
NO MORE GUARDS OF HONOUR MARCHING PAST ME
NO MORE ADRENALIN RUSH FROM MY COMMANDO GOH
NO MORE FEELING SAFE AND SECURE
NO MORE COMMANDO GUARDS UNIT TO SEE

depressed, i am.

GOODBYE TO ALL MY MEN, I HAVE LOVED ALL OF YOU AND AM STILL LOVING YOU, ESPECIALLY THOSE WHOSE FACES I REMEMBERED.

and so, it rained yesterday and the parade was almost cancelled.
but the guard of honours being the most prestigious contingent, stood and waited in the rain.

now,

HOW FREAKING MAN IS THAT. MY GOSHNESS.

I NOTICED THEM FROM AFAR AND RAN ACROSS TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROAD SO THAT I CAN GET A SUPERBLY CLOSE VIEW OF THEM FOR ONE LAST TIME.

ITS NOW OR NEVER. I CANT BE BOTHERED IF I AM GOING TO GET SCOLDED. THERE THEY WERE STANDING IN THE RAIN IN THEIR SENANG DIRI POSTION.

IF ONLY I COULD WHIP OUT MY FREAKING CAMERA AND TAKE THEIR PICTURES, I WOULD OKAY. BUT THE MILITARY SECURITY ARE GUARDING THEM LIKE CRAZY SO I CANT. =(

IT SO HAPPENED THAT MY OVERALL SECTOR, ALEX, IS ABLE TO TAKE PICTURES SO HE STARTED TAKING. THEN YOU KNOW THE PEOPLE AROUND ME SO UNCOOL LEI, KEEP ASKING ALEX TO TAKE PICTURES OF THEM INSTEAD OF THE GOH BESIDE US!!!!!!

%@^&^$^&& WHAT LOGIC IS THAT!!! WANT TO TAKE YOUR PICTURES ANYTIME ALSO CAN.

GUARD OF HONOUR ONCE YEAR ONCE AND THEY LOOKED SO FREAKING HOT, WHO CAN RESIST.

GOSHNESS AGAIN.

alex: eh people, pose pose! take picture!
pam: hello, please take the GOH can. dont take me. FASTER TAKE THEM SNAP ALL YOU CAN!!!!!! ( i was pointing vigourously to the GOH.)
pam: alex take my commandos! take my navy! take my rsaf! and colours party also!
TAKE ALL FASTER!
alex: -______-"

you know i wished the rain wont stop so the GOH can stand there longer and i can look at them longer. i can slowly take my time to scruntize and scan each and every one of them.

i was ALL READY TO START TALKING TO THEM BECAUSE OF THE CLOSENESS. all i need is the permission. but alex say we would get them into trouble if we talked to them.

thus, for the sake of my GOH, i controlled myself. i sacrificed my burning desire to talk to them. loving or wad.

according to pamela's rating scale, the navy GOH got some cute ones.
and i managed to spot some good looking ones in my commandos unit. WEEWIT.

BUT THEIR BODY ARE AWESOME PERFECT TEN. if all else fails, just look at their body and uniform can already. HAHA.

once again, my eyes were exhilrated basking in the glory of these men.

the army personnels i worked with are so nice, so funny and lame. my goodness. they keep teasing me and LAUGHED when i had to wear the fugly poncho because of the rain.

they freaking LAUGHED at me. i didnt want to wear initially so i asked if the army men can lend me their army jackets (WEEWIT.) but i wasnt allowed to wear.

when my friends and i were bored, we went to the army people and they entertained us like crazy. imagining uniformed men entertaining school girls like us.

BLACK KNIGHTS ARE AS SEXY AS EVER. NEVER FAIL TO MAKE ME WANNA MARRY A RSAF PILOT.

towards the night, the fireworks were spectcular, considering the distance i was watching from. i took a short video because i was doing it secretly.

somehow, doing things secretly give me the thrills. the fear of getting caught, the anticipation you get while you are doing, not forgetting the satisfaction you acheived when you are not caught at all. HAHAH i like.

AND I DIDNT GET TO SEE MR TINKY WINKY POH THE WHOLE DAY. CRIES A MILLION LITRES OF TEARS.

zizah: syg you know wad i keep seeing your poh walking here and there, to and fro in front of me somemore.
pam: got see the way he command and lead? very man right?!
zizah: then you know he was wearing shades just now...
pam: OH MY GOSH. (i almost fainted trying to imagine how hot he will look. )

finally the whole parade ended. it was time for debrief. on the other side, the guards unit were having debrief too. i was hoping for my leader to end his debrief sooner because i want to run and look for my poh.

BUT HE TAKE SO LONG. and by the time it ended, the guards people dispersed already.

immediately after the debrief ended, i RAN all the way down to look for my poh. i literally RAN.
i was on a frantic search for my poh; i want to talk to him and take photo.
along the way i encountered many other army officials and personnels who were waving goodbye to me and talkin to me but i cant be bothered, seriously.

i was focused, on finding my man.

to my despair, i cant find him. he was probably long gone. my efforts were wasted. my heart sank. i was still holding onto my camera in the hope of meeting him as i went home.

pics talk:

another guard that i (ahem)happened to(ahem) to notice while i was looking out for my poh. i didnt mention poh was my only one, did i?

i dont know his name. and i forget to look at his security pass! it was so random because he was walking towards and i decided i must take pic with him since ive been noticing him for awhile.

shall call him mr commando guard.

pam: excuse me, can i take a photo with you?
mr commando guard: (smiles) ya
( i melt already.)
pam: debrief ended already?
mr commando guard: haha, yeah.
mr commando guard: we move inside to take, the vehicle is approaching.
(i going crazy already, so sweet mans.)
pam: okay ( happy as a lark)

after which,

pam: you going home ah?
mr commando guard: yah, (and smile again)
pam: thank you, bye bye
mr commando guard: bye (smiles AGAIN)
pam: (OFFICIALLY FAINTED AND DIED.)

i share my man, nice or wad seh.

i tried imaging the army men without their uniform, i think they will look so different. less hotter, maybe. less manly, maybe.

perhaps, to pammie, UNIFORM DOES WONDERS. and its not just ANY uniform.
its the No.4 and No 1 of the diff saf/rsaf/police/navy units. (bmt boys, or kids, can step aside and save themselves the humiliation from me.)

2008-08-09T01:19:00.000-07:00

"so happy that i am alive i still can see you," that was the first sentence she said to me when grandma saw me at the ward.

i looked at her and smiled my widest smile, suppressing the tears in my eyes. i am getting better at concealing my emotions lately; for better or worse.

in front of grandma,
i smile to hide my tears
i laugh to conceal my fears

i held her hands and squeezed it gently. the warmth of her hands brought intense comfort to my uptight and lifeless soul.

since morning, i have been so restless at the childcare centre because my mind was so preoccupied with my grandma.

in fact for this entire week, its been difficult trying to concentrate on doing anything. feelings of anxiety, worry, sadness, denial, guilt, lamentations clouded my mind and soul daily.
boggled up with a mixture of negative emotions, i feel like i could collapse any moment.

each time i receive an sms from my aunts, my heart skipped a million beats, literally. i was so afraid that i might read something that i dont wish to.

so there i was, seated beside grandma on the hospital bed, talking to her.
she showed me all the tube insertions on both of her hands and even the bandaged wound from her operation.

her face cringed when she pointed at her hands; grandma has a low treshold of pain, like me. needless to say, it would not be difficult for me to imagine the amount of pain and agony she suffered.
just that, i cannot bring myself to. my heart felt like it had been stabbed too, just as deep as the tubes insertions on grandma's hands.

___________________________________

aunt daisy, aunt serena, amanda and i went for dinner together. it was the heaviest dinner i have ever had, and i am definitely not talking about the food.

both my aunties were explaining to amanda and me the actual severity of my grandma's condition in complete explicit details.

"she doesnt have many years to live on..."
"she may suffer a heart attack anytime because the op is to minimise the chances of a heart attack and not to prevent it..."

aunt serena spoke as we listen intently. suddenly the delicacy from delifrance seemed to lose it taste and flavour, no matter how i eat it, it still taste as bland as ever.

"grandma said she was glad to be able to watch you turn 21 but for manda, she worry she might not live that long.."

tears welled up my tears. the air was stale. the silence was deafening and frightening. the intensity of the atmosphere plummeted deeper each time my aunt speaks.

amanda was already tearing in front of me and i was still holding back my tears. i cant comprehend my habit of swallowing my tears. i feel so terrible not letting it out and yet i dont wish to let it out.

perhaps i am afraid that if i start, i wont be able to stop and i wont want to stop.

the conversation carried on with our hearts getting heavier and the atmosphere getting increasingly initimidating as the truth stabbed into our hearts like a double edged sword, forcing us to face the cruelity of reality and its impacts.

the content of the conversation will constantly linger and surface in our minds, we all know it.

___________________________________

it was back to the ward again. this time i lie gingerly on the pillow beside grandma.
grandma was hugging me with her arm and patting me with that same arm.

and i couldnt emphasize how much i missed her patting. she is the ONLY one who still pats me today and will pat me if i asked.

enshrouded by a sense of nostalgia, the feeling was so familiar and homely.. i felt i could sleep right there with my grandma..

i massaged my grandma's hands and legs gently to ensure proper blood circulation.
i caressed grandma's face the way i would for a young child.
grandma lost so much weight; she is so much smaller than before.

i wanted so much to hug her but i am afraid of crushing her; she is so weak and fragile.

the doctor told us to handle her with care, literally.

then mummy arrived and grandma talked to her.

DADDY CANT MAKE IT BECAUSE HE WAS WORKING. HE THINK HE WORK VERY BIG LAH. CANT TAKE LEAVE IS IT. I AM FURIOUS AND UTTERLY UPSET, PERIOD

finally it was time to leave. i really hate to go. i was so tempted to stay with my grandma but i reckon that i would disturb her rest so i went home ultimately.

i touched her face and held her hand before i left. i was showing affection and love to her like she was a child.

ultimately, i thank God for surviving my grandma through the angioplasty. Thank You Jesus. i pray that You continue to protect and bless her. Amen.

always and forever loving you, grandma.

2008-08-06T01:32:00.000-07:00

"grandma is not in good condition," came aunt daisy's stern voice over the phone.

i paused and inhaled a deep breath before i allow myself to resume the conversation.

"its not just one, but two arteries clogged. doc suggested the op today but we were not mentally prepared so he postponed it to thurs. grandma will be undergoing a angioplasty..." she droned on and on, bombarding me with medical terms that sounded like greek to me.

"better go and visit your grandma after her op in the icu. doc say her condition is risky because she is weak and age is catching up on her. i will message you the ward on thurs, please go and see her," she reiterated her point and hung up after a "bye".

i cant wait for thurs to be over, i cant wait for the op to be over. i cant wait for grandma to get well.

so much have been on my mind lately, not that i worry. its just the memories spent and the things that happen in life...

when reality hits you, it really hits you hard; merciless and unpardonable. if you get what i mean.

at times like this, a silent escapade could not be more tempting. the demands of life; the circumstances in life forced me to grow up, literally.

ironically, these are the moments i dont wish to grow up.
i want to be granny's little girl as long as i could.

____________________________________________

please dont ask me to be prepared.
i wont be prepared.
there is nothing to be prepared.
everything is going to be fine.
everything WILL be fine, you hear me? EVERYTHING.

be strong grandma, be strong like you taught me how.
be brave like you showed me how.

hold on grandma, hold on.
dont ever EVER let go, dont let me go......

2008-08-05T00:34:00.000-07:00

last week, memories of my grandma suddenly surfaced in my mind. i remembered telling mummy i missed grandma and i wanted to go over to have dinner with her.

today i recieved news that grandma had a clogged artery and may suffer from stroke or even die if its not treated immediately.

lingering in a state of denial and probably still am in that state, i keep asking how could this be. i thought grandma was as healthy as could be. i thought her health was going good for her.

it did not took me long to realise that i was blinded and clouded by those groundless assumptions made by a stupid me.

THE TRUTH HIT ME REAL HARD.

mummy, amanda and i went over for dinner.

as i greeted her, i could sense the sadness in her voice.
the usual chirpy her was buried under her crestfallen expression.
she tried to conceal it with a smile but it did not escape my eyes.
not this time.

grandma was half prepared as she was busy answering phone calls from concerned relatives.
so mummy took over and dinner was ready in awhile. grandma didnt eat with us as she was not hungry.

after dinner, we sat down and watched tv together. mummy was talking alot; her effort in trying to brighten up the atmosphere was greatly felt and appreciated.
but i could see yet again, the worried look on grandma face the moment her smile disappeared.

when we were about to go home, grandma stood by the door and spoke to us... to me in particular.
i told her that the news caught me by surprise; why is it so sudden.
and the truth was revealed right before my very ears.
it turns out that grandma was having this problem since the start of the year and she has not been telling anyone in the family about it.

the pain became unbearable recently; which explains why she finally decided to go for a thorough checkup.

thats my grandma for you; she is stubborn in not wanting to tell anyone.
she always keep things to herself in the hope of not troubling the rest of us.

i kept quiet and looked at her. i should be mad at her for keeping to herself; but i couldnt. my heart was aching in too much pain.

"the doctor say that i have two options, either i get a stroke or i go to heaven" she continued with a smile.

despite that smile, i could see tears glistening in her eyes. her eyes were red, mind you.

i looked down and swallowed my tears.

"but dont worry about me, i am really fine with it.. if its time for me to go, there is nothing i can do right? all of you are grown up already. i have no burdens.. except that.. maybe grandma could not live to the day to see you get married and start a family..." she looked at me and said, as if she was reading the thoughts that were going through my mind.
my heart was wrenching; i was hyperventilating deep beneath my skin.

the tears were welling up and ready to flow from the corner of her eyes anytime now.

i switched my gaze to amanda; i couldnt look straight at grandma in the eye. i fear that i may cry and make a scene just like a small child would if she lost her grandma.

i was holding my tears; it was a terrible feeling.

the last thing i ever wanted to do is to shed tears in front of my grandma.
i loved her, but she loved me so much more.

she had been there since the day i was born.

she was there when mummy was not around.

she is the one who taught me the importance of education

she is the one who gave me tuitions since young

she is the one who brought me to the doctor when mummy couldnt

she is the one who would take out my baby pictures on a random afternoon and share with me about my childhood days

she is the one who rejoiced with me whenever i got good grades in school.

she is the one who encouraged me to be strong with the word of God

she is the one who share the gospel with me

she is the one who constantly stood by me (besides my aunt who is in overseas) whenever i am faced with parental objections

she is the one who worries about me more than anyone else

and.....

she is someone that i can never let go. NO. at least not anytime soon..
please dont take her away from me..

Heavenly Father, let your protection be upon her, let your hope and love surround her, let her be brave.

"Let us hold fast the confession of hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful"

-Hebrews 10:23

2008-08-03T18:32:00.000-07:00

gossip girl marathon has been great companion.

i love Nate but prefer Dan.
Chace Crawford is HOT. seriously, his eyes are WHOA. reminds me of chad micheal murray from OTH.

friday was well spent at shai's house.

situated at sherwood towers within walking distance from bukit timah plaza, her beautiful abode is a penthouse located at the 29th storey with an in-built mini lift that brings you up to the 30th storey which can be used as a home office.

Now, HOW COOL IS THAT.

the view from above is picturesque. if only i could activate those arty fartsy skills of mine, i would have drawn a lovely masterpiece of the awesome breath taking view.

its a pity im not an arty person, to begin with.

imagine waking up to a different skyline everyday and looking at clouds transforming into new shapes and sizes almost every minute, you couldnt be more thankful to the born into the arms of Mother Nature.

and never forget the Almighty One who created this entire universe for you and me to hold and to have. Jesus our Lord.

'nuff said and let the pictures take the lead:

if you could recognise, the building with the blue track is NGEE ANN POLY. thats how NEAR shai lives to school! i was trying to look for MAJU camp with shai's binoculars but it was blocked by my school, sadly.

everything look so small up here, its like a HUGE MINI playground. if you get what i mean.

taking our time to savour the moments spend at there while listening to the interesting and inspiring stories by our dearest lecturer, shai.

amidst the chilling, evening arrived and we were greeted with yet another spectacular view, leaving imprints in our hearts as we willingly bask ourselves in
sunset mode...

__________________________________________________

And i could not explain more how much i love the evening sky. evenings are always the best time of the day for me. it signifies the end of the day and the coming of the night.
it gives way to the night, ushering the stars to shine their light.

the evening sky gives me a light, floaty feeling
it turns my tensed up and worked up self into a laidback and carefree soul
it allows me to catch my breath and inhale the fragrance of the air after a long hectic and crazy day

memories just know their way to find me at such moments.
Relishing the sight of the evening sky coupled with lovely memories playing in my mind, i felt like i could love, all over again....

till it was time to SNAP back to REALITY.

"probably, perfect love only exists in the skies"

2008-08-01T01:38:00.000-07:00

july has ended.
aug has just begun.

due to the fear of man, sometimes obligations overwhelmed.
which resulted in doing the things i dont want to.
that feeling of having to please people at the expense of sacrificing yourself, who can better understand it but yourself?

i see their lives with green in my eyes.
and i wonder why am i here stationary, living my life the way i lived as time pass me by.

is not life all about enjoying?
is not life all about having fun?
is not life all about letting loose and not being serious?

whats your take?

for me, life is NOT ALL about those.

not when you have commitments from everywhere.
not when you have to be accountable to the things you do.
not when you have responsibilities.
not when you are entering adulthood.

i see myself succumbing to obligations
pleasing everyone but myself
ruining my life for the pleasure of others
forsaking my goals
losing my sense of direction
because of my so called "insecurities"

only to realise that it was so dumb of me.
to live for everyone but myself.
you know what?
i am getting sick. tired.
sick of all the yes yes and more yes
sick of not having the courage to refuse.

now that im seeing the light at the end of the tunnel,
i know what to do
i know how to react
i know how to response

but dont be taken aback that i cant even do one of the above mentioned when im faced with a real situation face to face.

simply because talk is cheap.

some things are really difficult to let go, especially people close to heart.

on the brighter side, things are genuine stay true for a lifetime
just like friendship and love

true friendship, yes.
true love? whats that in the first place?

its time for gossip girl marathon now. :)

2008-07-25T00:15:00.000-07:00

my entries have been very wordy recently. i cant take it i am sure some of my friends dont even bother to read at all. so its just pictures tonight.

updates: this was friday the 13, two days before my bday. wani and i went out for a movie date cum dinner treat by her. :D

sayang, next year your turn k. :D

i miss those two kukus.

the only brand i like.

this week is ndp break week.
SERIOUSLY, WHY.
I AM MISSING MY MEN ALREADY.
(esp my tinky winky POH, im starting to like that name)

this sounds cliche but time flies.
this semester is coming to a closure.
and as time passes by, we all grow up.

nonetheless, there are some things that just dont change for the people around me..

like how my pisangs will go crazy whenever we are stressed up.

like how we would never fail to continue each other's nonsense.
(all it takes is one of us to start and thats it)

and how we never failed to ask the MILLION DOLLAR QUESTION THAT CONSTANTLY BURNS IN OUR HEART MIND BODY AND SOUL EVERY SINGLE MORNING: EH, WHERE FIZA?

like how fiza never fails to be "different" from us.

like how sinting and hazzely NEVER FAIL TO SING whenever they are together.

like how zhiwei and sinting never fail to be dumb dumbs whenever i am with them.

and not forgetting the way they suan me whenever i am with them. -__-"

like how daniel never fail to be thoughtful and make me laugh

like how timo never fail to bring joy and laughter into my life with his nonsense.

like how my dearest girlfriends never fail to make me miss them so much each time i talk to them or sms them.

gosh, did i mention that its just going to be pictures in this entry?
i got carried away. :)

2008-07-21T00:23:00.000-07:00

this week has been great so far with more projects down. i can sense the mood amongst us being more relaxed as compared to the previous weeks.

i recieved an sms on friday saying that i was deployed to pasir ris mrt as mrt marshall for the NE show 3. GOODNESS. there goes my GOH, or so i thought.

with hopes held high in my heart, i arrived with anticipation to the mrt station on sat.

two words: UTTER DISAPPOINTMENT.

firstly, there are NO ARMY PERSONNEL IN SIGHT. NONE. ZERO. KOSONG. MEIYOU. NIL. ZILCH.
(my mood dropped by 80% already)

secondly, there are no one that i am really close to and i cant really flow with the rest of the people.

thirdly, they made us report at 230pm when we are only starting to move at 4.

by the end of, my mood is totally gone. i missed ZAH AND JO SO MUCH I TELL YOU. i need them. i even smsed sylvester to tell him that i missed all of my remaining group members.

MRT IS SO DAMN BORING.

as a result, i stoned during duty. i stoned in the train on the way to raffles place station.
i stoned and stoned and stoned like nobody business.
million and one thoughts swirling in my mind.

i was bored; i decided to observe the p5 children. guess what i saw, in most of their hands was at least the latest sony ericsson or nokia phone model. i even spotted a couple of O2 palm tops.

MY GOODNESS. AT A FREAKING AGE OF 11?!!!!!!

which brought upon remembrance that my first phone was a nokia 3210 and i only got it when i was secondary 1.

I HAD TO PESTER MY PARENTS FOR IT.

so there they were, taking pictures and videos with their cyber shots phone and blasting the songs with their walkman phones...

we finally reached raffles place station and i felt it was like eternity although it was just 30 mins.

of all days, it had to rain. my mood was further dampened by the rain. together with the children we walked in the drizzle to marina promenade.

then, ALONG THE WAY. WHOOHOO. NOW PAMMIE STARTS TO FEEL ALIVE ALREADY.
the entire stretch was filled with COMMANDO GUARDS AND APLS.
and i saw MR HAPPY!

spotting him from a distance because of his 1.8m frame, i was MORE THAN HAPPY.

this is part one.

part two happened before, during and after dinner time. it gets more exciting.

despite not being allowed to leave my reporting area, i ran down to the entrance when i was informed of the GOH contingent. i walked all the way out until i got a super duper clear view of each of their faces from the different units.

HONESTLY SPEAKING, 80% OF THE GUYS ONLY LOOK HOT BECAUSE OF THE UNIFORM AND THEIR BODY. THEIR FACE IS... AIYO I BETTER DONT START. but still, i was so uber close to them!

especially the colour party.. GOODNESS.

dinner time was when the leading contingents were about to march in to the parade ground.
so i cant escape though i very much would like to.

after dinner, zah, jojo and i speculated the timing that the contingents were marching back.

SO WE JUST STAND THERE AND WAIT. maybe we are like the ONLY girls there....but who cares. its once in a year, now or never.

i was THIS close to the GOHs. i witnessed the entire march past!!!
HEAR ME SCREAM PLEASE. I WAS EXHILARATED ESTATIC EUPHORIC.
however, i controlled my emotions and acted very composed as they marched past.
(it was SO HARD for me)

this time i got a CLEARER view then before and it further confirmed my previous observation. this time round as i am able to achieve a clearer view, maybe i shall increase my previous percentage to 90%.

i am THAT NEAR.

nonetheless, they never failed to leave in awe as their marching is top notch standard. you can tell from the way they dig their boots and their posture. really is chest out stomach in one lei. WHOA.

just based on those facts, they looked HOT enough already.

COLOURS PARTY, COMMANDOS, NAVY, RSAF, POLICE.

once again, my eyes rejoiced. i thank God for my eyes suddenly; though small but can see clearly and sharply.

the best thing was the fact that i wasnt alone; i had zah and jojo my darling girls with me. they are the BEST :D

thats part two for you.

and the night ended with rain and breathtaking fireworks... and bidding goodbyes to my commando guards, army guards and more army officials (excluding the bmt BOYS cant stand them please).

__________________________________________________

after all that has been said and done,

RIGHT NOW RIGHT HERE.
suddenly my heart feels heavy
something's missing
i dont know what
i need a hug
can you give me one.
i need a shoulder to lean on
can i borrow yours.
__________________________________________________

yesterday was a VERY SPECIAL DAY FOR TWO VERY SPECIAL PEOPLE IN MY LIFE!

MY DEAREST DAN DAN AND TIMO WERE BAPTISED! SO HAPPY FOR THEM :D
I LOVE YOU GUYS LOTS! THANKS FOR BEING THERE FOR ME ALWAYS.
(pics will be up soon)

MY TURN IS NEXT; BY FAITH I BELIEVE AND PROCLAIM IN THE NAME OF JESUS.

2008-07-18T02:04:00.000-07:00

its mummy's bday on tuesday, 15 july. but blogger was being a thorn in my flesh by giving me problems when i upload the pics.

so,

happy birthday mummy!!!

LOTS OF LOVE, HUGS AND KISSES FROM ME TO YOU.
THANK YOU FOR LOVING ME THE WAY YOU DO :D
(just stop nagging at me at the wrong times and being unreasonable towards the things i really enjoy doing, maybe my life would be better.)

updates: we had steamboat on sunday as an early celebration for mummy's bday because my parents are BOTH VERY BUSY WORKING PEOPLE.

so busy until got no time for amanda and me.

and of course me being the camera lady we camwhored. i "forced" my parents to camwhore with me until mummy cant take it.

its been awhile since i took my parents' photo.. and daddy looked like he aged alot.
must be his work load..

if you think i look VERY ALIKE to mummy...

think again.

my FIRST ever photo with daddy after 20 years, i guess. the last time we took a photo was when i was 1 and he was carrying me.

mummy say i LOOK SO MUCH like daddy. DADDY YOU KNOW I WISHED YOU HAD BIGGER EYES AND DOUBLE EYELIDS.

and so sunday night was well spent with three most important people in my life.. thank God for the quality time spent.

this week has been a HECTIC one for me. i had the final music and movement lesson assessed by my mentor and she say it was good.

Praise the Lord :D

yesterday my group completed the math learning corner presentation and its finally over.
GREAT JOB GIRLS! :D

I AM SO LOOKING FORWARD TO SATURDAY. AFTER SUCH A BUSY AND UPTIGHT WEEK, ITS TIME TO LET MY HAIR DOWN AND PARTAY WITH MY UNIFORMED MEN. WHOOHOOSSS.

__________________________________

& words without actions are meaningless, period
simply because talk is cheap.
be careful with your words lest you cheapen yourself.
dont ruin my impression of you.

2008-07-13T17:27:00.000-07:00

AW term paper and DLE assignment is over.

FINALLY.

this week was spent doing aw, dle, planning and implementing music and movement lesson and meeting up to discuss about my math learning corner project.

then come saturday where i am so looking forward to it. because i am helping out at one of the ushers at the NDP.

FREE FLOW OF ARMY/NAVY/POLICE/COMMANDO/RSAF MEN IN THEIR FULL UNI HALF UNI WHATEVER UNI THEY HAVE.

my reporting place is the same as the army men. so the moment i reached the reporting area, i was taken aback.

its too many. like wad zizah will say, ITS SWARMING.

THEY ARE EVERYWHERE YOU KNOW. LEFT RIGHT CENTRE FRONT BACK. EACH TIME I TURNED MY HEAD I SEE AT LEAST 5.

THATS NOT ALL. WE GOT DIFFERENT UNITS OF SAF MEN THERE.
BUT I LOVE THE COMMANDOS GUARDS THE MOST.
SO MANLY
SO HOT
SO COOL
SO SUAVE
I DONT EVEN WANT TO START ON THEIR PHYSICAL FEATURES IF NOT I WONT BE ABLE TO STOP.

i am talking about the ones that pass my ratings, of course.

of course we have our very own police force also, walking around everywhere.

i was wondering why daddy wasnt deployed to the area, if not it will be so fun.

can you imagine daddy walked past me then i call him daddy instead of his title? HAHA.

I NEVER FELT SO PROTECTED IN MY ENTIRE LIFE BEFORE I AM TELLING YOU.
PROTECTED BY ALL THE MEN IN UNIFORM SOMEMORE. WHOOHOOOOO.

THE HIGHLIGHT OF THE DAY: I SAW MY GUARDS OF HONOURS!!!!!!!! UPCLOSE!!! I AM JUST ACROSS THEM WHEN THEY MARCHED PAST!
I RAN ALL THE WAY TO WATCH THEM WHEN THEY MARCHED PAST DESPITE THE FACT THAT I AM NOT ALLOWED TO.

I GOT SCOLDED A FEW TIMES BY MY LEADERS BECAUSE I WAS CAUGHT DOING THAT. BUT HEY DO YOU THINK I CARE?
PLEASE FOR THE SAKE OF MY GUARD OF HONOURS ITS WORTH EVERY BIT OF SCOLDING ALRIGHT.

PAMMIE WONT CARE AT ALL.

FIRST UP ITS THE COLOUR PARTY FOLLOWED BY THE COMMANDOS THEN THE NAVY THEN THE RSAF THEN FINALLY THE POLICE.

THE NAVY GOH IS OHMYGOSH SO SO SO HOT PLEASE. THEY ARE ALL IN WHITE!!!! FROM HEAD TO TOE!!
TALK ABOUT PRINCE CHARMING. MY HEART MELTED ALREADY YOU KNOW....
THE COMMANDOS IS ANOTHER ONE THAT TAKE MY BREATH AWAY. AISEY MAN I TELL YOU.

I WAS SCREAMING TOGETHER WITH VANESSA WHEN WE SAW THE GOHS.

I WANT TO MARRY A NAVY OFFICER OR A COMMANDO I DONT CARE WHAT MUMMY SAY. I DONT CARE SERIOUSLY I WANT A MILITARY WEDDING.

I TOOK A VIDEO!!! AND PICTURES!!! HAHA PAMMIE IS THE HAPPIEST GIRL ALIVE.
(WHO CARES ABOUT KENNETH WEE AT THIS PT OF TIME, unless he wears the NO.1 uniform)

and i told sylvester my deputy leader that i want to change my deployment next week to be NEARER AND CLOSER to the guards of honours.

SO CLOSE TILL I CAN COUNT THE BUTTONS ON THEIR UNI and FALL ON THEM SO THEY CAN CATCH ME.

I LOVE MY GUARD OF HONOURS. CAN I BE THE PRESIDENT AND INSPECT THEM PLEASE. CAN I BE THE ONE WHO MANAGE THEIR UNIFORM AND THEIR ADMIN STUFF AND EVERYTHING.

pam: sylvester, please catch me when i faint later lei.
syl: why?
pam: because i scared i cant take it when the GOH march past, they too hot to handle, too man alr. later i faint.
syl: *LAUGHS* okay.

and he laughed at me! eh i am serious lo. i really scared i faint.

i am famous for loving the GOHs; my whole group knows already. and they always make fun of me. DAMNIT.

now every saturday will be my LOVERDERED DAY.
its gonna be my stress relief days.. all the way till 9 aug.

the fireworks were awesome, spectacular and beautiful!! i took a video of it and i got scolded AGAIN. so many scoldings in one day by the same person somemore.

he better watch it, i will tell daddy about it. on second thoughts, better not because daddy will end up scolding me.

zizah baby thank God i got you, we both flow so much we even ran to each other after the GOH march out. HAHAH IT WAS SO FUN. i LOVERDER YOUS BABYY.

2008-07-06T18:00:00.000-07:00

pam: mummy, i haven't been talking to you these few nights, by the time i reached home you sleep already. i miss you leh, mummy. you got miss me anot?

mummy: of course la. still dare to say. you dont make me scold you ah i tell you. thurs, fri, sat night consecutively. dont think you 21 already den can dont come back early.

pam: TSK...

( i am freaking 21 year OLD adult already she still talks to me in THAT kind of TONE that i never fail to detest. )

i wasnt happy of course. but i figured that mummy missed me too much thats why she talks like that.

therefore being the very fillal daughter ( or so i think ), i went on to share with her about the things i did for the past few days.

and daddy's company got family day at dont know where dont know when.

i wonder if daddy's unit got any HOT men under him....

since he doesnt want to intro ANY to me, i shall do the honours by MYSELF. dont get angry with me daddy, you make me do this.

this week is crazy with assignments and much more.

thurs was cell group.

friday was night out with my sec sch friends. sinting and zhiwei dropped by and look for me.

they wanted to make me feel guilty because we were supposed to catch a movie together. but still they are VERY SWEET to come specially to find me.

hearts you two brothers!

sat was dinner and dance with wani sayang's family at Swiss Hotel.
i was wani's "adopted" sister for a night, according to wani's parents.
how sweet they are, i feel really welcomed.

and i got to meet and talk to the prestigious "TAJ MAHAL". how cool is that again.

the appetisers and main courses were sumptuous, but i loved the dessert the most.
TANTALISING EACH TASTEBUD OF MINE.

after the event, we went to arab st but couldnt find a comfortable area so we decided to go T1 delifrance to eat and lepak.

pics will be up REAL SOON.

____________________________________

can i just live my life the way i want it to be?
if only i dont have to make decisions.
if only i could be just like any ordinary person.
if only things were different.

if only i could leave all this baggages and run away.

someone please take me away. i am begging you.

better yet, make me disappear.

2008-07-01T18:46:00.000-07:00

lately, blogging has become therapeutic for me. it seems that i have this urge to blog wherever i go and whatever i do.

i wish i can blog along my way, anytime, anywhere.

recently, there are many assignments that are reaching deadlines and i am so stressed about it.

everytime i close my eyes, the different assignments surfaced in my mind. my goodness how "loving" is that.

lets see,

-AW report
-FM project
-DLE project
-Music and Movement Lesson Plans
-ITBD project
-MAYC project

one word: SHIOK.

pamela has SO MANY things to say, but there are SO LITTLE people that she can tell.
or rather, she doesnt know how to begin saying those things.

i recieved money from the government today or was it yesterday? actually i dont care.
GST OFFSET. SHIOK. actually not really shiok, its MY OWN MONEY ALSO that the govt is giving back.

i know NS MEN got MORE.

all my already ORDed brothers, you know i love all of you right.. ESPECIALLYahemDANIELahemSINTINGahemZHIWEIahemHAZZELY.

so.........

maybe you all want to treat me or sth? :DDDDDD

okay enuff.

____________________________________

a conversation between daddy and me some time ago:

pam: whats that daddy? can i see please.. its so shiny.

daddy: my warrant card. see only dont touch.

pam: wa so cool.. (really very nice lei. got hologram one can. ) can i take and see somemore?

daddy: okay enough alr, give me back give me back.

pam: orh. -______-"""""""

2008-06-29T23:43:00.000-07:00

my heart died the day you left.
my wounds never stop bleeding since you have been gone.
sometimes, i can understand why people choose to live in denial.
its temporal, but at least it helps.

when no amount of tears could make you feel better,
when no amount of blood could make you feel more alive,
when no amount of warmth could open your heart,
when no amount of love could touch your soul,
when no amount of trust could make you whole,

thats when you know, you are all alone in this cold cold world.

when the words hurt so much you wished you were dead,
when the people laughed at your pain,
when words are so cheap,
when love is abused,

thats when you know, your world has crashed and no one bothers about it.

_______________________________

never thought i could love you the way i do but i did.
never thought i could need you the way i needed but i did.
never thought i was a fool but i was.

sometimes, pain is an understatement.

its strange how some pictures could trigger such a intense flow of emotions.

if you cant understand what i am saying, the least you could do is to keep your mouth shut and stop judging me. and you can get lost with all due respect. my blog dont welcome people like you.

2008-06-29T00:03:00.000-07:00

so there we were, watching the day break together, stoning. only to realise that it was momentary.

i am loving my new blogskin! :D

and i cant forget that scent of yours......

goodness pam. dont fall in deeper.

2008-06-27T00:32:00.000-07:00

i should be doing the first draft of my academic writing module but apparently i cant seem to get my inspirations flowing. hence it explains my presence here.

first up, because of aw first draft, i had to forfeit a chance to go timbre for the OCS function. my gosh. OCS CAN.

150 pax.

goodbye guys.

so there i was, having dinner with mummy and talking to her about a lot of things because i seldom get to have dinner with my also-very-busy working mummy....

here goes...

mummy: dr cheng's wife commented on sinting and zhiwei, she said they were so helpful at your party. so nice of them.. she even thinks that one of them liked you.

pam(laughs): of course not, zhiwei already has a girlfriend and sinting is my brother.

mummy: HUH! zhiwei got girlfriend ah?!

pam: why you look so shocked? (continues to eat and ignore)

mummy: aiya darling, you dont so choosy la. choose here choose there. no wonder so hard for you to get bf.

pam(VERY SHOCKED till i almost spat out my food): how you know i choosy?!! ( i didnt tell mummy abt my expectations at all okay )

mummy: CAN SEE. and dont forget i am the one who gave birth to you.

pam: TSK. i very choosy meh? HOW COME MY FRIENDS ALSO SAY THE SAME THING?!!

mummy: i am right.. AGAIN.

pregnant pause.... ( because pammie has to think of ways to counter attack and defend her stand in front of the always right mummy )

pam: dont choose then how? ANYHOW MEH? how can dont have EXPECTATIONS ONE? i only ask for face, height, body... and.. brains.. and.. money... and.. stable job.. and...

mummy: THOSE ARE SECONDARY THINGS.

pam: (ROLLS MY EYES A MILLION AND ONE TIMES)

my gosh my mother really very cool lei i think! wa she has got character man. the way she talk to me ah. aiyo kena shoot by her until i wan to shut up and bury myself into the ground.

i ignored her previous statement even though she made a very valid point.

pam: i want to get married by age of 26 or 27.

mummy: then you must get attached by 22 or 23.

pam: YA LO MUMMY HOW, you choose for me wan anot?

mummy: how can i choose for you?!!

pam: okay lo, then in that case, dont settle down.

mummy: even worse i have to look after you the rest of your life. better get married and lead your own life and dont bother me can.. (she was joking when she said that) and you should reflect on your past failures too.. maybe there are some parts where you were in the wrong..

by the time she said this, i was already sitting in the living room because i can sense the seriousness.

pam: mummy your daughter here is the victim okay! please can you dont side others. i am your daughter.

mummy: i cant and i wont take sides. i am sure there are areas where you have erred.

pam: okay lo, i tell daddy. he confirm side me one.

and pammie disappeared.......

______________________________________________________

if only some things are possible.....

went to zhiwei's belated bday party yesterday. had fun. till drama happened.
wait till i upload pics k. very happening.

this world is really very small; i seriously think its interlinked within.

some things never change..

-like how my jc gang will never fail to reminisce about the past whenever we meet up

-like how some ppl's names never fail to surface despite his absence

-like how sinting and hazzely NEVER fail to sing WHEREVER they are (walking jukeboxes i tell you)

-like JOHN MINGHAN SINTING HAZZELY ZHIWEI NEVER FAIL TO SUAN ME WHENEVER I AM WITH THEM. IRRITATING TO THE MAX I TELL YOU. NO LIFE. -____-""""

i miss my jc days. 'nuff said.

2008-06-25T01:04:00.000-07:00

this post should have been done last week. but i was busy with assignments and i have a life besides blogging so here is part two.... enjoy..

since part one is about my party, part two will obviously be about my presents, as some of you have already guessed.

speaking about my presents, i still recieved two more on monday. WHAT A BLESSED GIRL PAMMIE IS. thank you darlings for your love :D

PRESENTS:

-SONY ERICSSON K810i
-LACOSTE POLO TEE
-SHU EUMURA COSMETICS
-DKNY EAU DE PARFUM
-HANDMADE CARDS
-MANICURE VOUCHER!!!!!!
-UNDIES
-CITIGEMS PENDANT
-PRECIOUS MOMENT PORCELAIN MUG
-PIERRE CARDIN WALLET
-PRETTY PHOTOFRAME
-PHOTOFRAME IN A FERRIS WHEEL DESIGN
-WHITE WALLET FROM MANGO
-PINK CAREBEAR AKA LOVE BEAR
-A SMALL BAG
-ROXY HOODIE
-BEAUTIFUL HOODIE WITH ARTISTIC DESIGN
-NECKLACE
-MONEY MONEY MONEY!!!!!!!!! *KER CHING*
-CROSS DIAMOND NECKLACE FROM SOO KEE JEWELLERY
-T2 SONY CYBERSHOT DIGICAM
-IPOD TOUCH ( YES YOU HEARD ME RIGHT!!!! )

I FINALLY GOT MY IPOD TOUCH!!!!!! ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

okay enuff.

i like the polo tee.

this is more valuable than my VERY LIFE. i rather you KILL me than take it away.

im preparing to welcome the next gadget into my life: NINTENDO DS LITE.

daniel bought a RED PSP! that means i can play also!! we share share k daniel..

mummy is going to sponsor my driving license! SHIOK I TELL YOU. i will never turn down such offers.

maybe daddy you want to start saving to buy me a lexus on my 25th bday?

speaking about lexus cars i got to get this burning question off my chest:

WHY ARE 97% OF THE LEXUS DRIVERS I SEE EVERYDAY OLD AND ARHGERLEE MEN?!!!!!!!!!

ITS SUCH A TURN OFF CAN. SO SAD..

I HAVE NEVER SEEN A HOT MUSCULAR HANDSOME GUY DRIVING A LEXUS BEFORE.

its SO HARD to find my ideal guy. VERY HARD.
all i need is face, height and body to pass my rating scale. really that difficult meh, only 3 criteria what.

to end this post,

PAMMIE WOULD LIKE TO THANK ALL OF THE LOVELIES WHO HAVE EFFORTLESSLY CONTRIBUTED TO THE PRESENTS AND CARDS. I LOVED AND APPRECIATE THEM TRUCKLOADS! THANK YOU DARLINGS FOR LOVING ME!

2008-06-18T23:00:00.000-07:00

first and foremost, i had my assessment by my mentor this morning at the centre and she say it was good.

thank GOD for everything! All Praise be unto Jesus! :D

i am supposed to blog on monday but i was too tired from my party on sunday and i had to prepare my lesson plan. so i decided to procrastinate it.

WARNING: this is a LONG entry, dont read if you have no patience.

first up, in case you have not already know, 15 JUNE IS MY 21st BIRTHDAY!

i had my party at pasir ris downtown east chalet and the response was overwhelming.
it was a success much to my unexpectations!
i enjoyed myself very very much; its been a long time since i've ever had a HUGE party.
i hope those who came down had enjoyed it as much as me too.. :D

it was AWESOME. LOADS OF FUN, LAUGHTER, CRAZINESS and LOVE all in a NIGHT; it was too much for me to handle, seriously.

i couldnt feel more fortunate and blessed; i had my family, relatives and even mother's boss and colleagues who watched me grow since young.

and i even had my friends, the second group of people i treasured most.

MY POST PARTY SPEECH:

TO MY PISANGS, MY D CLAN, MY JC FRIENDS (ESP BELOVED SINTING AND ZHIWEI), MY CHURCH MEMBERS AND MY SEC SCH FRIENDS,

A VERY TREMENDOUS THANK YOU TO ALL OF YOU! YOU PEOPLE HAVE MADE MY PARTY POSSIBLE; YOU PEOPLE MADE IT HAPPEN :DD

A VERY BIG THANK YOU TO WANI, ZAH, RAH, JOL, JOJO, FIZA, AMIRA, REZ FOR HELPING OUT WITH THE TRANSPORTATION OF THE FOOD AND REFILLING OF THE DRINKS.

THANK YOU SHUYU AND ROMEI ALSO FOR HELPING WITH THE DRINKS!

TO MY CHURCH FRIENDS AND CELL GROUP MEMBERS, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE WONDERFUL AND MEMORABLE SURPRISE THAT WAS PLANNED FOR ME. (ESP DANIEL AND TIMO I HEARTS YOU GUYS MANY!) I TOTALLY LOVED MY GIFT SO MUCH!!

TO MY JC FRIENDS THANK YOU GUYS FOR LOVING ME. ALL THE TIMES THAT WE HAVE SPENT TOGETHER JUST MAKES ME LOVE YOU GUYS MORE.. AND WE NEVER FAIL TO BE CRAZY WHEN WE GET TOGETHER.

ESP TO SINTING AND ZHIWEI THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR HELPING ALL THE WAY FROM THE CARRYING OF FOOD FROM MY HOUSE TO EVERYTHING AT THE PARTY

I LOVE YOU TWO LOTS! HUGSSSS.:DDD

TO MY SEC SCH FRIENDS, MAXINE, AGNES, RACHEL, MORGAN, RAYNER AND SHAO XUAN..
WE'VE COME A LONG WAY, EVERYTIME WE GET TOG WE NEVER FAIL TO REMINISCE THE PAST.
SEC SCH LIFE WAS SO FUN BECAUSE OF YOU PEOPLE.
I MISSED THOSE DAYS OF GATE CLIMBING, TIMES OF SKIPPING CLASSES, RUNNING OUT OF SCHOOL, GETTING CAUGHT FOR PONING CLASS, DOING DETENTION, MAKING A SCENE IN THE SCHOOL CANTEEN WHENEVER WE ARE THERE..

THANKS FOR GROWING UP WITH ME :D

LAST BUT NOT LEAST, MY PARENTS, WHO SPONSORED THE ENTIRE PARTY SPECIALLY FOR ME. I LOVE YOU MUMMY DADDY.

______________________________________

alright, last sunday my day began by going to fathers day service in the morning. i missed my daddy during the service. =(

then it was back home to prepare for my party.

sinting and zhiwei cabbed down from eunos to my house to help me carry my stuff over.
when i reached i was anxious and freaking out because there was so little time to do everytime. not to mention, all the timing was a little delayed.

i leave everything to my brothers, literally EVERYTHING. and hurried off to bathe and dress up for my party.

thank God that everything went smoothly and the guests start arriving on time before i knew it, i was outside busy serving people and talking to them.

and they continued to come in batches. my heart lit up and i cant help but feel so thankful each time i see a new batch of guests coming..

i interrupt this post with an overflow of pics, to be cont'd....

stay tuned for part two....

i am so tired from uploading the pictures, shall stop here and continue tomorrow.

my room is more packed with the presents. no space to contain lei, how ah.

God really pour his blessings so much till my storehouse cant contain.

Thank You Lord.